"what do you say to a good friend who accidently spilled coffee on you?"
"what do you say to yourself if you were the one spilling it instead?"
"u stupid. idiot"
i realized through Dr Meier that we tend to be harsher on ourselves than toward others. In doing so, we're not granting ourselves grace but are working hard in the flesh to prove our sufficiency.*
Ironically, when we accept Christ into our lives, we're basically declaring that " i wouldn't make it anyway! so quit trying so hard and surrender to His grace" (Roms 3: 23-24) Yet, grace seems to lost it's role right after the point of conversion...somehow...
so, in our daily lifes we leave grace behind and like most ppl, we walk around carrying a mild dose of discontentment, or calling ourselves total failures at one or two mistakes, compare ourselves with others and awe at how they managed to hold it all up...and perhaps like me, falling flat to my bed when i start thinking about my past failings, half fearing whether i'd even end up achieving or would i end up living a mediocre life...in simple words, we trust ourselves too much. ( if it's about us fulfilling them all)
" people who fear the future or uncertainties does not lack faith, it's just that they're putting their faith in negativity, believing it will come through rather than God's promises." **
Linking that to what Matt Fielder said, if we were to expect nothing, then we've already got what we paid for... there we go walking around with our arms crossed and heads down...nothing is going to happen if we're not inviting anything or going out there to create something...ever wonder why delightful things always happen to some ppl, while some seemed to hit themselves on the wall all the time ? Matthews claims it all upon ourselves - our perspective of life or attitude.*** ( ok, maybe some ppl have an easier life:) ) Tying it back to what i wrote earlier about our expectations in life and self-fulfilling prophecies, certain things are begining to make sense to me now ( and as much as i love to blame others, i guess it all boils down to my attitude and beliefs). :)
Being an object of grace would also means removing 'self' fr the throne to "God", believing that I am able to because of Him? (Phi 1:6, 2 Cor 9:8, Phi 4:13) and trading our thoughts to thinking His ways ? (Phi 4:8, 2 Cor 10:5 );
* www.joycemeyers.org > tv & radio broadcast > Dec 12th > Joyce with Dr Meier
** Enjoying Everyday Life, December 05 issue.
***Andrew Matthews. (1993) "Making friends." Media Masters. S'pore.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
oophs
| Your Inner Child Is Naughty |
 |
How'>http://www.blogthings.com/howisyourinnerchildquiz/">How Is Your Inner Child?
now, how do they figure that out in just 5 questions ?
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
home alone 2
4 days of giving the house to me ( and bro) and this is what happened :
1. two piles of half dried clothes all being aired up in the hall. ( well, it's been raining since, and the clothes won't dry up. Think i might try putting them in the oven )
2. A mother cat giving birth to kittens below my shoe rack outside... and i duno how to get rid of em'...
oh dear oh dear... the last time i was home alone, i cultured fungus fr left-overs in the fridge and unwashed cups...
Guess i'm so used to ppl tidying up after me... plus being the youngest, it's easy to get away with the mess...i can just leave my cup on my study table, and next thing you know it walked back to the kitchen...but now, it just doesn't do that trick anymore. :( pity my bro, comes back late fr work and has to straighten up the house. Well, thank God i've one day to clean up right after my last paper b4 my parents return (screaming).
2 more papers to go...
sigh*... i wonder whether it's just me or ? when it comes to final year my motivation to study has decline... arrived on time for me to walk in the exam hall without having to line up...the only setback is that there's no parking space left and i'll have to walk really far...not study on weekends...watch the nanny marathon on Sunday...drive on the slowest lane so i don't have to reach so early...chat or stare blank to space rather than look thru my notes b4 entering...
oh wait... i think it's just me. The last finals i forgot to collect my exam slip...yeah, guess it's me...
Meanwhile i'm still unsure whether my uni's cutting short our holidays or...our last mid sem holiday was altered with just a wave on the wand... in just one week's notice, "eh? holidays change adi"
1. two piles of half dried clothes all being aired up in the hall. ( well, it's been raining since, and the clothes won't dry up. Think i might try putting them in the oven )
2. A mother cat giving birth to kittens below my shoe rack outside... and i duno how to get rid of em'...
oh dear oh dear... the last time i was home alone, i cultured fungus fr left-overs in the fridge and unwashed cups...
Guess i'm so used to ppl tidying up after me... plus being the youngest, it's easy to get away with the mess...i can just leave my cup on my study table, and next thing you know it walked back to the kitchen...but now, it just doesn't do that trick anymore. :( pity my bro, comes back late fr work and has to straighten up the house. Well, thank God i've one day to clean up right after my last paper b4 my parents return (screaming).
2 more papers to go...
sigh*... i wonder whether it's just me or ? when it comes to final year my motivation to study has decline... arrived on time for me to walk in the exam hall without having to line up...the only setback is that there's no parking space left and i'll have to walk really far...not study on weekends...watch the nanny marathon on Sunday...drive on the slowest lane so i don't have to reach so early...chat or stare blank to space rather than look thru my notes b4 entering...
oh wait... i think it's just me. The last finals i forgot to collect my exam slip...yeah, guess it's me...
Meanwhile i'm still unsure whether my uni's cutting short our holidays or...our last mid sem holiday was altered with just a wave on the wand... in just one week's notice, "eh? holidays change adi"
Thursday, November 17, 2005
if only...
I wish... :)
meanwhile, my life cycle goes rocking between " sleep, study, sleep, sleep..."
Pretty much entertained at how my university admin tried so hard to console themselves over consolation prize by flagging the whole campus with "UM ternobat" banners... i better go snap some shots before the education ministry decides to remove it.
not the least, The Nanny and Peanuts have really helped kick in some fun for me...
Well, my parents are dumping me home alone (bro's hardly around now that he's working) to go for a vacation... not fair... they've always took me along... now i'll have to wait till i start earning my own money to travel... boo...hoo...
be attending one of my cousin's wedding at the end of Nov. That reminds me to top up my wardrobe right after my last paper... have not feed it since last semester's holiday... Be looking forward for the 25th where my cousins, aunts and granny will be flying down for the wedding...
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Nothing
I'm so excited because I'm gonna go to the High School of Performing Arts!
I mean, I was dying to be a serious actress. Anyway, it's the first day acting class- and we're in the auditorium and the teacher, Mr. Karp... Oh, Mr. Karp... Anyway, he puts us up on the stage with our legs around each other, one in back of the other and he says: "Okay... we're going to do improvisations. Now, you're on a bobsled. It's snowing out. And it's cold...Okay...GO!"
Ev'ry day for a week we would try to
Feel the motion, feel the motion
Down the hill.
Ev'ry day for a week we would try to
Hear the wind rush, hear the wind rush,
Feel the chill.
And I dug right down to the bottom of my soul
To see what I had inside.
Yes, I dug right down to the bottom of my soul
And I tried, I tried.
And everybody's goin' "Whooooosh, whooooosh ...
I feel the snow... I feel the cold... I feel the air."
And Mr. Karp turns to me and he says, "Okay, Morales. What did you feel?"
And I said..."Nothing,
I'm feeling nothing,"
And he says "Nothing Could get a girl transferred."
They all felt something,
But I felt nothing
Except the feeling
That this bullshit was absurd!
But I said to myself, "Hey, it's only the first week. Maybe it's genetic. They don't have bobsleds in San Juan!"
Second week, more advanced, and we had to
Be a table, be a sportscar...
Ice-cream cone.
Mister Karp, he would say,"Very good,
except Morales. Try, Morales,
All alone."
And I dug right down to the bottom of my soul
To see how an ice cream felt.
Yes, I dug right down to the bottom of my soul
And I tried to melt.
The kids yelled, "Nothing!"
They called me "Nothing"
And Karp allowed it,
Which really makes me burn.
They were so helpful.
They called me "Hopeless",
Until I really didn't know
Where else to turn.
And Karp kept saying,"Morales, I think you should transfer to Girl's High,You'll never be an actress, Never!"
Jesus Christ!
Went to church, praying, "Santa Maria,
Send me guidance, send me guidance,"
On my knees.
Went to church, praying, "Santa Maria,
Help me feel it, help me feel it.
Pretty please!"
And a voice from down at the bottom of my soul
Came up to the top of my head.
And the voice from down at the bottom of my soul,
Here is what it said:
"This man is nothing!
This course is nothing!
If you want something,
Go find another class.
And when you find one
You'll be an actress."
And I assure you that's what
Fin'lly came to pass.
Six months later I heard that Karp had died.
And I dug right down to the bottom of my soul...
And cried.
'Cause I felt... nothing.
A Chorus Line (07/25/1975 - 04/28/1990)
music by Marvin Hamlisch; lyrics by Edward Kleban
I mean, I was dying to be a serious actress. Anyway, it's the first day acting class- and we're in the auditorium and the teacher, Mr. Karp... Oh, Mr. Karp... Anyway, he puts us up on the stage with our legs around each other, one in back of the other and he says: "Okay... we're going to do improvisations. Now, you're on a bobsled. It's snowing out. And it's cold...Okay...GO!"
Ev'ry day for a week we would try to
Feel the motion, feel the motion
Down the hill.
Ev'ry day for a week we would try to
Hear the wind rush, hear the wind rush,
Feel the chill.
And I dug right down to the bottom of my soul
To see what I had inside.
Yes, I dug right down to the bottom of my soul
And I tried, I tried.
And everybody's goin' "Whooooosh, whooooosh ...
I feel the snow... I feel the cold... I feel the air."
And Mr. Karp turns to me and he says, "Okay, Morales. What did you feel?"
And I said..."Nothing,
I'm feeling nothing,"
And he says "Nothing Could get a girl transferred."
They all felt something,
But I felt nothing
Except the feeling
That this bullshit was absurd!
But I said to myself, "Hey, it's only the first week. Maybe it's genetic. They don't have bobsleds in San Juan!"
Second week, more advanced, and we had to
Be a table, be a sportscar...
Ice-cream cone.
Mister Karp, he would say,"Very good,
except Morales. Try, Morales,
All alone."
And I dug right down to the bottom of my soul
To see how an ice cream felt.
Yes, I dug right down to the bottom of my soul
And I tried to melt.
The kids yelled, "Nothing!"
They called me "Nothing"
And Karp allowed it,
Which really makes me burn.
They were so helpful.
They called me "Hopeless",
Until I really didn't know
Where else to turn.
And Karp kept saying,"Morales, I think you should transfer to Girl's High,You'll never be an actress, Never!"
Jesus Christ!
Went to church, praying, "Santa Maria,
Send me guidance, send me guidance,"
On my knees.
Went to church, praying, "Santa Maria,
Help me feel it, help me feel it.
Pretty please!"
And a voice from down at the bottom of my soul
Came up to the top of my head.
And the voice from down at the bottom of my soul,
Here is what it said:
"This man is nothing!
This course is nothing!
If you want something,
Go find another class.
And when you find one
You'll be an actress."
And I assure you that's what
Fin'lly came to pass.
Six months later I heard that Karp had died.
And I dug right down to the bottom of my soul...
And cried.
'Cause I felt... nothing.
A Chorus Line (07/25/1975 - 04/28/1990)
music by Marvin Hamlisch; lyrics by Edward Kleban
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
satisfying ?
" life is too short not to be fun" - J.C. Maxwell.
Sounds a little twisted from the familiar " life is short cut the crap" quote fr ah pek hur=p. But i feel the formal better suited after reading John Maxwell's " what is most rewarding? -Developing the Leader within you" although i believe the underlying meaning is much similiar. (priorities)
Maxwell, in one of his career lectures encouraged the audience to seek something they liked to do so much that they would gladly do it for nothing. He wittily suggested that they learned to do it so well that people would be happy to pay them for it. Adding onto it, When you are making a sucess of something, it's not work. It's a way of life* ...i spent some time listing down what would give me satisfaction in life... and i realized i've hardly invested much in these area nor am i gearing myself to that direction. *shocks*
Sounds a little twisted from the familiar " life is short cut the crap" quote fr ah pek hur=p. But i feel the formal better suited after reading John Maxwell's " what is most rewarding? -Developing the Leader within you" although i believe the underlying meaning is much similiar. (priorities)
Maxwell, in one of his career lectures encouraged the audience to seek something they liked to do so much that they would gladly do it for nothing. He wittily suggested that they learned to do it so well that people would be happy to pay them for it. Adding onto it, When you are making a sucess of something, it's not work. It's a way of life* ...i spent some time listing down what would give me satisfaction in life... and i realized i've hardly invested much in these area nor am i gearing myself to that direction. *shocks*
Toping up my guilt, a question of "what would you do differently if you could live your life over again" was surveyed on senior citizens. 3 themes emerged from the results :
- If i had it to do over again, i would reflect more.
- If i had it to do over again, i would risk more.
- If i had it to do over again, i would do more things that would live on after i am dead.**
Uh, i hope i can remind myself on these before i reach senescence and be part of the survey. No.2 & 3 is something i've to work on. Not too sure whether to interpret no.3 as setting myself on the eternal pathway ( Col 3: 1,2) or leaving a legacy.*** risk ? urh ? i'm freak out of changes...
Lastly, i'd like to end with my beloved author's quotation " Sucess in your work will be greatly increased if the 3R's ( Requirements/Return/Reward) are similar. In other words, if the requirements of my job are the same as my strengths that give me the highest return and doing those things brings me great pleasure, then i will be successful if I act on my priorities." Well, just a little guide to shape my thinking upon graduating.
On other reservations, i've met many ppl who don't quite enjoy what they're doing, yet...u know, like adolescence who really need to get a hold on a job else their parents will chase them out of the house... seems like beggars can't be chooser ? or are there other options that are untempered?
*Andy Granatelli. ( duno who)
**Dr Anthony Campolo's sociological study on 50 ppl over age of 95. ( that's the only ref i got fr Maxwell's book)
*** Legacy - not as in being the first women who cloned the prefrontal brain of apes ( like a century later, nobody will remember me, safe some neuroscience text books), but being remembered as someone who believed in johny boy when no one else does; someone who shared her life to others and have loved. Which is also quite challenging...
John C. Maxwell, "Developing the Leader within you" Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1993, pg 27-28.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
*yawns*
bore
1. If someone/thing bores you, they make you lose interest and feel tired and often impatient because you find them dull and uninteresting. eg. gen lanj bores me
2. You can also bore a hole in something, like using a drill. eg. maybe if i bore a hole in my skull i might squeeze more of my boring notes in.
3. If someone's eyes bore into you, they are staring intensely at you. ( equivalent to burn) eg. my eyes bore at my books for hours, yet nothing went pass my optical nerves to my optical lobe.
Excerpted from the Collins Cobuild English Langguage Dictionary. Copyrighted 1987.
1. If someone/thing bores you, they make you lose interest and feel tired and often impatient because you find them dull and uninteresting. eg. gen lanj bores me
2. You can also bore a hole in something, like using a drill. eg. maybe if i bore a hole in my skull i might squeeze more of my boring notes in.
3. If someone's eyes bore into you, they are staring intensely at you. ( equivalent to burn) eg. my eyes bore at my books for hours, yet nothing went pass my optical nerves to my optical lobe.
Excerpted from the Collins Cobuild English Langguage Dictionary. Copyrighted 1987.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
work or play
hi to my holidays,
too bad there's so much work stacking up... play time seems so dear in comparison;
brought a bunch of kids under a shelter home to 1U & Ikano. I can't help feeling sorry that such adorable creatures could be victims (direct or indirect) from abusive family... still, they were the sounds of joy and vitality throughout the day trip ! me & terk were given 4 kids to ferry... Can't imagine how it would be like being parents... so tiring... i remember a 3 year old playing with the 'sensor' water tap and i just stood there (amused at the same time)... i tried to tell him his hands were cleaned enough. tried but... used to shake my head at permissive parents, now i can only nod thinking i might turn out to be one after all...
watched charlie & the choco factory with the older group in 1U... poor children... i wonder whether depp's character + the oompha-loompa clones screwed their minds off... there seemed to be some reminiscence of Edward Scissorhands here - like after cutting the ribbon, the camera focused onto his scissors. His fingers were covered by his coat; the dentist liken the creator; and wonka's freezing response when his father embraced him. The choco Eden garden made me beamed, and there were some flashes of fasinating scenes to make the movie worth a try...but i'd rather visit the book again. :)
ok... back to work... *yawns*
poor-o-holiday... she'll just slip by while i tuck myself with work.
too bad there's so much work stacking up... play time seems so dear in comparison;
brought a bunch of kids under a shelter home to 1U & Ikano. I can't help feeling sorry that such adorable creatures could be victims (direct or indirect) from abusive family... still, they were the sounds of joy and vitality throughout the day trip ! me & terk were given 4 kids to ferry... Can't imagine how it would be like being parents... so tiring... i remember a 3 year old playing with the 'sensor' water tap and i just stood there (amused at the same time)... i tried to tell him his hands were cleaned enough. tried but... used to shake my head at permissive parents, now i can only nod thinking i might turn out to be one after all...
watched charlie & the choco factory with the older group in 1U... poor children... i wonder whether depp's character + the oompha-loompa clones screwed their minds off... there seemed to be some reminiscence of Edward Scissorhands here - like after cutting the ribbon, the camera focused onto his scissors. His fingers were covered by his coat; the dentist liken the creator; and wonka's freezing response when his father embraced him. The choco Eden garden made me beamed, and there were some flashes of fasinating scenes to make the movie worth a try...but i'd rather visit the book again. :)
ok... back to work... *yawns*
poor-o-holiday... she'll just slip by while i tuck myself with work.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
tmr tmr..
"tomorrow tomorrow i love you tomorrow..." ~annie fr Annie?
can't wait ! papers would be over then... time to flush it all down the toilet bowl...
Well, somehow this season i've been drawn to the fading otherwordly sounds... started off with my pine for twin peaks -falling... and now unwrapping Angelo Badalamenti's works...(bits of it)
I like the way he uses sounds to evoke feelings... ethereal, subtle, like the smell of beauty permeating thru darkness... a stalk of impressionism amidst pop art? or surrealism on it's own feet? ironically, how can a blend stand on it's own ? falling, falling...
check out some of his titles used too..."questions in the world of blue", "floating...", "moving through time"... very suggestive
just that his songs usually leaves a haunting feeling...(i wouldn't dare immerse myself into the movies he composed for...spooky !) falling, falling...
can't wait ! papers would be over then... time to flush it all down the toilet bowl...
Well, somehow this season i've been drawn to the fading otherwordly sounds... started off with my pine for twin peaks -falling... and now unwrapping Angelo Badalamenti's works...(bits of it)
I like the way he uses sounds to evoke feelings... ethereal, subtle, like the smell of beauty permeating thru darkness... a stalk of impressionism amidst pop art? or surrealism on it's own feet? ironically, how can a blend stand on it's own ? falling, falling...
check out some of his titles used too..."questions in the world of blue", "floating...", "moving through time"... very suggestive
just that his songs usually leaves a haunting feeling...(i wouldn't dare immerse myself into the movies he composed for...spooky !) falling, falling...
Friday, August 19, 2005
hur ?
one straight row of papers... *choke* *gasp*
"Sometimes when i get up in the morning, i feel very peculiar.
I feel like i've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat before sundown, I'll go crazy!!
But then i just take a deep breath and forget about it.
That's what is known as real maturity" ;p
~Snoopy*
hmm... i realised i have become immune to the ytdys... hopefully it's due to me surrendering to the Wider arms up above and not due to my boh chap-ness... returning to my last entry, Efg said i should get more of those remarks, that way it wouldn't trouble me much next time...tot it makes sense.
Used to grip through life and now i'm skipping through... duno where i'm arriving though! haha..
I guess i sort of resort to keep life simple and light... after all, we really can't comprehend everything, and even if we do, we can't be too sure that what's out there matches inside. sounds rather post-modernistic eh ?
lessons fr JMs...
"life's about the journey not the destination"... vs i've always live for end of classes, weekends and holidays
"anybody can be happy if all that they ever wanted suddenly drop down from heaven" so so true... i realised how i'm often trapped into feeling unhappy when things don't go my way and vice versa. Guess it means learning to rejoice by anchoring deep into the Source. Since He claims to be our fountain of living water... my as well drink from it..
and finally fr Phil 4:11, learning to be content at whatever the circumstances, coz Christ has promised to give us strength. this verse has been liken a balm to my frailness.
anyways, holidays are coming...i shall give me self a treat and make me a happy person ! :)
then again, having hope helps us through the day too ain't it ? i guess there's things that depletes our soul and others fume our heart... and we've got to strike a balance somewhere to maintain wholeness?
*fr "Where yr blanket Is, There will your heart be also. "-Parables of Peanuts...Short calls it as a frame of mind, "adjustment"
"Sometimes when i get up in the morning, i feel very peculiar.
I feel like i've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat before sundown, I'll go crazy!!
But then i just take a deep breath and forget about it.
That's what is known as real maturity" ;p
~Snoopy*
hmm... i realised i have become immune to the ytdys... hopefully it's due to me surrendering to the Wider arms up above and not due to my boh chap-ness... returning to my last entry, Efg said i should get more of those remarks, that way it wouldn't trouble me much next time...tot it makes sense.
Used to grip through life and now i'm skipping through... duno where i'm arriving though! haha..
I guess i sort of resort to keep life simple and light... after all, we really can't comprehend everything, and even if we do, we can't be too sure that what's out there matches inside. sounds rather post-modernistic eh ?
lessons fr JMs...
"life's about the journey not the destination"... vs i've always live for end of classes, weekends and holidays
"anybody can be happy if all that they ever wanted suddenly drop down from heaven" so so true... i realised how i'm often trapped into feeling unhappy when things don't go my way and vice versa. Guess it means learning to rejoice by anchoring deep into the Source. Since He claims to be our fountain of living water... my as well drink from it..
and finally fr Phil 4:11, learning to be content at whatever the circumstances, coz Christ has promised to give us strength. this verse has been liken a balm to my frailness.
anyways, holidays are coming...i shall give me self a treat and make me a happy person ! :)
then again, having hope helps us through the day too ain't it ? i guess there's things that depletes our soul and others fume our heart... and we've got to strike a balance somewhere to maintain wholeness?
*fr "Where yr blanket Is, There will your heart be also. "-Parables of Peanuts...Short calls it as a frame of mind, "adjustment"
Thursday, August 11, 2005
ouch...
"keep the goodies, throw the trash"
so there... one rubbish gone :)
"fearing people is a dangerous trap, but to trust the LORD means safety." Prov 29: 25
"Also, every man to whom God has given riches and possessions ( gifts and abilities), and the power to enjoy them and to accept his appointed lot and to rejoice in his toil-this is the gift of God" Ecc 5: 19
"Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will help you." Ps 27: 3-5
i'm reminded at this time that God is my source. I can be happy because my hope is in Him...
so there... one rubbish gone :)
"fearing people is a dangerous trap, but to trust the LORD means safety." Prov 29: 25
"Also, every man to whom God has given riches and possessions ( gifts and abilities), and the power to enjoy them and to accept his appointed lot and to rejoice in his toil-this is the gift of God" Ecc 5: 19
"Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will help you." Ps 27: 3-5
i'm reminded at this time that God is my source. I can be happy because my hope is in Him...
Friday, July 29, 2005
His Eye is on the Sparrow
"Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come;
Why should my heart be lonely,and long for heaven and home;
When Jesus is my portion, My constant friend is He;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
I sing because I’m happy;
I sing because I’m free;
For His eye is on the sparrow;
And I know He watches me.
Let not your heart be troubled, His tender word I hear;
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise;
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies;
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
V
these few weeks have squeezed me into a ball -i'm either bouncing up & down looking for the ppl-up-there or being passed around by lecturers...sigh* But i've my share of joy hunting for virgin drosophillas during this week's lab...just that my eyeballs hurt by squinting too hard into the microscope.
Just thought of drafting down a bridge between my holidays and new term here...i supposed i would use "eye-opening" as a theme for my past 3 months - first working experience, meeting the east asians students at a conference, learning more from friends who come from difficult background & appreciating how tough they've become to overcome...& "2nd chance"- sharpening a long lost skill, allowing my legs to do the extra mile & regaining my trust in some things i've lost faith on?
The dawn of my new term sees me pecking & kicking my way out of the shell, sometimes the broken pieces spill in. I've suceed in having my head protrude out of a sharp edged hole and sticking out one feet , yet i'm still enclasped in the shell case. Well, it's both liberting and prisoning depends where one's seeing from. That paints it out for my life direction, given roles and ppl... really is a struggle poking everywhere yet having no certainty...but i'd like to quote kwai's word that certainty is like solid - u step on what's already there; Uncertainty's like liquid - u get to swim around ( n explore )...
so much so for changes...guess what? the sesame street producers are getting cookie monster to eat vegebites & gobble "i love veges" ... i so cannot believe this !!!! ( r they like gonna paint him green and rename him vege monster in order to get the kiddies to appreciate their greens? or change "sesame" street to "pea" street? noo....sobs sobs...)
Just thought of drafting down a bridge between my holidays and new term here...i supposed i would use "eye-opening" as a theme for my past 3 months - first working experience, meeting the east asians students at a conference, learning more from friends who come from difficult background & appreciating how tough they've become to overcome...& "2nd chance"- sharpening a long lost skill, allowing my legs to do the extra mile & regaining my trust in some things i've lost faith on?
The dawn of my new term sees me pecking & kicking my way out of the shell, sometimes the broken pieces spill in. I've suceed in having my head protrude out of a sharp edged hole and sticking out one feet , yet i'm still enclasped in the shell case. Well, it's both liberting and prisoning depends where one's seeing from. That paints it out for my life direction, given roles and ppl... really is a struggle poking everywhere yet having no certainty...but i'd like to quote kwai's word that certainty is like solid - u step on what's already there; Uncertainty's like liquid - u get to swim around ( n explore )...
so much so for changes...guess what? the sesame street producers are getting cookie monster to eat vegebites & gobble "i love veges" ... i so cannot believe this !!!! ( r they like gonna paint him green and rename him vege monster in order to get the kiddies to appreciate their greens? or change "sesame" street to "pea" street? noo....sobs sobs...)
Friday, July 08, 2005
bugged !
yeah! finally, i got some peaceful rest... no more bugs for now ! Come to think of it, being bugged actually served as a delightful snack for me ! well, by humans, not insects.
i supposed everyone would have their own unique blend of friendship lingo... by far being bugged speak the most to me ! i once had a long 'discussion' concerning what quantifies a good friend with a friend... to find out that this lingo can be so varied... Wmi prefers friends to hang-out with him on weekends, and give him space to do what he likes over the weekdays while i kinda like phone calls and smses in between to fill up the space... a contrast between low-maintenance vs high-maintenance friend ?
tracking back my roots to the way i define my friendship style as thus -
coming fr a small family and sticking on to my bro when i was much younger ( like how Mary's little lamb go wherever she goes ) is one good reason why i'm such sticker... ( as he grew older, having a lil sister tag along him becomes like a nag. but now Nat's the tag. [=p both ways oso ler] )....
my early social life was characterised by 3 buddies ! Ah boy was my playmate ! we met in the field every evening. ( but i think i make him cried alot by calling him silly names ! ), Gxin was my churchmate & Jin's my kindymate... ( Jin & I would gang-on to perform notty deeds on every kindy-days, like bullying Dan. <--Pity him! good thing those stories never got to mom... she tought i was an angel !)...
So there! i've to make extra effort for group friends ( easy to ffk too!), unless one of my buddy's there... (but i guess like all langguage, it can be learned. i gotta master this langguage esp during scrace times)...writing this makes me miss S'na n Vln so much ! Used to call S'na up and rant on the phone every other day about any other thing ( why does she has to go johor ? sigh*)... n the nice sunny texts fr Vln every other day (no wonder he's so fast taken... too bad *bleuk*).
i supposed everyone would have their own unique blend of friendship lingo... by far being bugged speak the most to me ! i once had a long 'discussion' concerning what quantifies a good friend with a friend... to find out that this lingo can be so varied... Wmi prefers friends to hang-out with him on weekends, and give him space to do what he likes over the weekdays while i kinda like phone calls and smses in between to fill up the space... a contrast between low-maintenance vs high-maintenance friend ?
tracking back my roots to the way i define my friendship style as thus -
coming fr a small family and sticking on to my bro when i was much younger ( like how Mary's little lamb go wherever she goes ) is one good reason why i'm such sticker... ( as he grew older, having a lil sister tag along him becomes like a nag. but now Nat's the tag. [=p both ways oso ler] )....
my early social life was characterised by 3 buddies ! Ah boy was my playmate ! we met in the field every evening. ( but i think i make him cried alot by calling him silly names ! ), Gxin was my churchmate & Jin's my kindymate... ( Jin & I would gang-on to perform notty deeds on every kindy-days, like bullying Dan. <--Pity him! good thing those stories never got to mom... she tought i was an angel !)...
oh yes, mom's accountability lingo ! Some families value freedom and trust ( like kids can go out whenever they like without reporting & their parents trust that they be in fine hands? ) but for me, i've to keep mom informed about my whearabouts...Well, i think i kinda like being kept in a secured-tight situation... thx to mom's protectiveness. On the other hand, i remember being closed to dad while i was kid ( like he used to pick me up after kindergraden and buy me whatever junky i pick fr the groceries... drew pictures & caught grasshoppers for my fasination ( that explain my love for bugs ?! except bed bugs) But somehow age drew the gap...maybe that's why i chill out with too much space ? can't read too well into silence. ( i wonder whether that's a self-fulfilling prophecy ? i kinda take silence as avoidance... )
So there! i've to make extra effort for group friends ( easy to ffk too!), unless one of my buddy's there... (but i guess like all langguage, it can be learned. i gotta master this langguage esp during scrace times)...writing this makes me miss S'na n Vln so much ! Used to call S'na up and rant on the phone every other day about any other thing ( why does she has to go johor ? sigh*)... n the nice sunny texts fr Vln every other day (no wonder he's so fast taken... too bad *bleuk*).
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
attack of the bugs
Browny bloody bed bug climbing up the bed
Down came the sun and heat the bed bug dead
Out came the night and cool down all the flame
Now browny bloody bed bug went up the bed again!*
bug alert !!! my priceless sleep has been intruded by bed bugs for 2 nights. They chased me out fr my comfy bed to the narrow couch downstairs...this morning my bro and i spinned and sun my bed sheets, blankets, pillows and mattress... hopefully they're gone now. i just lysolised my bed frame though !
here's some interesting facts about these tiny annoy-y creatures :
- Bed bugs are small, brownish, flattened insects that feed solely on the blood of animals. ( Cimex lectularius is our (human) common threat.)
- Bed bugs are mostly active at night. During the daytime, they prefer to hide close to where people sleep ( they are drawn to wood and fabric. check cracks & junctions at bed frames, or skirts, turfs, crevices of sofas/mattress. )
- The level of cleanliness has little to do with most bed bug infestations. Pristine homes, hotels, and apartments have plenty of hiding places and an abundance of warm-blooded hosts. ( my room's crystal clean ok! )
- Ways to get ride of bed bugs - adjust room temperature to be > 49C, or <0C for 2 weeks. ( how about putting my bedsheets in the oven or freezer ?), vacuuming, or use aerosols, DDT...**
00000...Are there any alternatives to get rid of em' ? i'm so deprived of sleep... =(
* adapted fr incy wincy spider... but bit senseless la... **http://www.uky.edu/Agriculture/Entomology/entfacts/struct/ef636.htm
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
a bud!
woo hoo!
i, biscuit of Granny Grumps TM completed 10km without stopping !!! i've made a new personal record ! ( i rolled all the way, nopes, didn't crumple off )
*pat pat pat*
So what's the cause for celebration?
Well, this new record blotch a new chapter in my life... There's this "doom & gloom" ambience that cloud over me after i reached 2 decades...and just when i thought yesterday's achievements were the only crowns for today's pride ( like i used to be able to play the piano for hours, i used to be able to read a dozen of books in one month, i used to...etc )... and suddenly this surprise totally defile my expectation of 'self' and 'life' like a new bud popping fr an old hollow branch. in fact my last record was 3km short of this...
that just proves that there's more in us, or even life than we allow "it" to be... and i shouldn't go around setting limitations to what i or others can accomplish...
Eugene Peterson in "Run with the Horses" said that as a child, we grew up dreaming to become superheroes of the day, but when we're grown ups, we feed on the adventures of our heros and choosing a mundane life to become ours.
"If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out,
how can you compete with horses?" -Jer 12:5
"Jesus did not die on the cross so that u can have a miserable life" - JM
i, biscuit of Granny Grumps TM completed 10km without stopping !!! i've made a new personal record ! ( i rolled all the way, nopes, didn't crumple off )
*pat pat pat*
So what's the cause for celebration?
Well, this new record blotch a new chapter in my life... There's this "doom & gloom" ambience that cloud over me after i reached 2 decades...and just when i thought yesterday's achievements were the only crowns for today's pride ( like i used to be able to play the piano for hours, i used to be able to read a dozen of books in one month, i used to...etc )... and suddenly this surprise totally defile my expectation of 'self' and 'life' like a new bud popping fr an old hollow branch. in fact my last record was 3km short of this...
that just proves that there's more in us, or even life than we allow "it" to be... and i shouldn't go around setting limitations to what i or others can accomplish...
Eugene Peterson in "Run with the Horses" said that as a child, we grew up dreaming to become superheroes of the day, but when we're grown ups, we feed on the adventures of our heros and choosing a mundane life to become ours.
"If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out,
how can you compete with horses?" -Jer 12:5
"Jesus did not die on the cross so that u can have a miserable life" - JM
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
A hope so sure
" there's more in you than you believe" ~KCheng.
I have no idea what got into me to sign up for the SJ 10km run together with some of my high school friends. I've only a week left to train... surprisingly my legs could carry me far more than i expected! though i still have YET to cover all that distance. Still, i'm glad i spurred myself to complete what i set !
i find running therapeutic in some ways ( though bro thinks that's a crazy thot)... sort of gets me shut off fr the voices around me ( esp after i've drained off every ounce of fuel) ...or to feel the freedom of a roaming mare... keke
Here's a song that revisited me while i was in stm, Seremban.
There is a hope so sure
a promise so secure
the mystery of God
at last made known
treasures so vast appear
all wisdom, knowledge here
it's christ in us
the hope of glory
*And the life that i now live
no longer is my own
Jesus lives in me
the hope of glory
and each day i live
no longer is my own
Jesus lives in me
the hope of glory
there is a life so true
a life of love so pure
for all our sin
a perfect sacrifice
and when that life was nailed
on cruel cross impaled
our sinful flesh
with him was crucified
there is a life so strong
that a whole world of wrong
and all the powers of hell
could not defeat
for Jesus rose again
and if we died with him
with him we'll rise
to share his endless life.
~ graham kendrick
...all else left is tears of hope? sometimes i wix i could just explain why i did some things, or just untie myself away fr my past, my fears...but i know not how... yea i'm glad for finding assurance in Him...to know that his ressurection brings forth seeds of hope.
I have no idea what got into me to sign up for the SJ 10km run together with some of my high school friends. I've only a week left to train... surprisingly my legs could carry me far more than i expected! though i still have YET to cover all that distance. Still, i'm glad i spurred myself to complete what i set !
i find running therapeutic in some ways ( though bro thinks that's a crazy thot)... sort of gets me shut off fr the voices around me ( esp after i've drained off every ounce of fuel) ...or to feel the freedom of a roaming mare... keke
Here's a song that revisited me while i was in stm, Seremban.
There is a hope so sure
a promise so secure
the mystery of God
at last made known
treasures so vast appear
all wisdom, knowledge here
it's christ in us
the hope of glory
*And the life that i now live
no longer is my own
Jesus lives in me
the hope of glory
and each day i live
no longer is my own
Jesus lives in me
the hope of glory
there is a life so true
a life of love so pure
for all our sin
a perfect sacrifice
and when that life was nailed
on cruel cross impaled
our sinful flesh
with him was crucified
there is a life so strong
that a whole world of wrong
and all the powers of hell
could not defeat
for Jesus rose again
and if we died with him
with him we'll rise
to share his endless life.
~ graham kendrick
...all else left is tears of hope? sometimes i wix i could just explain why i did some things, or just untie myself away fr my past, my fears...but i know not how... yea i'm glad for finding assurance in Him...to know that his ressurection brings forth seeds of hope.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
swat/
another head-smacking event again...
i "forgot" to register for my industrial training course during the holidays. Ended up having to pay a $300 fine. My only consolation is that i'm allowed to appeal for lower rate...
i think i shall publish a book title 'unforgetable events' of biscuit when i'm old to cover up all the loses from my state of oblivion. (This time the clerk at my dean's office did not find my account amusing though. :) )
responsibilities...
two statements by A&T have triggered me to view 'responsibility' in a different angle :
first :
" you might complain about an acquaintance whose malicious gossiping or arguing has become a bother, forgetting that by putting up with such behavior in the past you have been at least partially responsible."*
When we're called to be spicy and shiny (Mat 5: 13), it means being responsible over the position or community where we're placed to polish it up when it's dull, illuminate when it's dark...so that our class, workplace or even community would smell distinctly when our presence ( individual or collective, as a church ) is around. Maybe righteous/justice is upholded b'coz we put a stand ? or more abundant joy as a result of our service to others ?
Sad part is, most of the time we take the position of victims being 'choked' by circumstances or people. " too much work(church-work sumore)", "my classmates too boring"... every excuse not to take up responsibility to shine. (as guilty as biscuit)
Jer 29 :4-7 encourages us to embrace life and seek peace& properity in where we're rooted. i shall use this verses as my banner when my new semester starts.**
second :
"It's important to make sure that your language reflects the fact that you're resonsible for your feelings. Instead of saying, "you're making me angry," say "i'm getting angry"... ppl don't make us like/dislike them, and believing that they do denies the responsibility that each of us has for our own emotions. (use the) "I" langguage which offers a responsible way to express your own feelings"***
okay, how about "I" need to be more alert about's happening in campus. "I" feel angry at the huge fine. ra ra...
*pg118
**George N. Capaque, speaker for one of the morning bible exposition in earc.
***pg 154
i "forgot" to register for my industrial training course during the holidays. Ended up having to pay a $300 fine. My only consolation is that i'm allowed to appeal for lower rate...
i think i shall publish a book title 'unforgetable events' of biscuit when i'm old to cover up all the loses from my state of oblivion. (This time the clerk at my dean's office did not find my account amusing though. :) )
responsibilities...
two statements by A&T have triggered me to view 'responsibility' in a different angle :
first :
" you might complain about an acquaintance whose malicious gossiping or arguing has become a bother, forgetting that by putting up with such behavior in the past you have been at least partially responsible."*
When we're called to be spicy and shiny (Mat 5: 13), it means being responsible over the position or community where we're placed to polish it up when it's dull, illuminate when it's dark...so that our class, workplace or even community would smell distinctly when our presence ( individual or collective, as a church ) is around. Maybe righteous/justice is upholded b'coz we put a stand ? or more abundant joy as a result of our service to others ?
Sad part is, most of the time we take the position of victims being 'choked' by circumstances or people. " too much work(church-work sumore)", "my classmates too boring"... every excuse not to take up responsibility to shine. (as guilty as biscuit)
Jer 29 :4-7 encourages us to embrace life and seek peace& properity in where we're rooted. i shall use this verses as my banner when my new semester starts.**
second :
"It's important to make sure that your language reflects the fact that you're resonsible for your feelings. Instead of saying, "you're making me angry," say "i'm getting angry"... ppl don't make us like/dislike them, and believing that they do denies the responsibility that each of us has for our own emotions. (use the) "I" langguage which offers a responsible way to express your own feelings"***
okay, how about "I" need to be more alert about's happening in campus. "I" feel angry at the huge fine. ra ra...
*pg118
**George N. Capaque, speaker for one of the morning bible exposition in earc.
***pg 154
Sunday, June 05, 2005
uncork?
*poof*...
been a while hur...?
am so glad i finally compiled my work report,which also marks the beginning of my holidays !
Am checking out the newspapers bout what's happening in town... am thinking of getting on the lrt and do some exploring or go visit a play/concert... deleted off my previous entry coz it sounded as if life's owing me life.
Maybe i haven't had a break for myself yet since last semester till now?
so, learning how to unbore myself? wonder how it be when i start work... well, pity those working folks out there ! =p
Am currently reading a book about communication* :
Found a term called " self-fulfilling prophecy". I phrase it as how we determined the outcome by what we believe/expect. Like, if we expect others/certain gps of ppl to reject us, we tend to reject them first to avoid getting hurt ( like b4?). So given an event, we act out our believe by staying aloof/be skeptical while a curious passerby tap into our world, telling ourselves "nah, he's just being friendly by obligation", "he's jst interested to know me b'coz i..."
Or i can recall some ppl who make themselves appear so complicated...and complain that ppl don't understand them or so they thot ppl wouldn't understand em'? ( ophs, sounds like me )
So it goes round like a cycle :
ppl dun understand me --> not make a point to be understood --> others dun understand --> not make a point to be understood...
ppl will reject me --> reject others --> ppl reject me --> reject others ....
[ there are also positive ones, like : ppl are nice --> be friendly --> ppl are nice ( reciprocate one's friendliness) --> be friendly...
n of course there are exceptions as well la! ( like failing a paper even though we expect to pass) ]
Adler& Town(A&T) stated that we form our self image by what we're being communicated while young. But as we grow older, our self concept resist changes. A term called "cognitive conservatism"...also, we have a tendency to look out for others to affirm our 'self' rather than being concerned with learning the "truth".
Explanations?
Starting as a baby, we've no idea of perceiving who we are except by what we receive ( verbally or non ). Like, if our parents love us and attend to our needs --> we perceived that we're loved, we're worthy, and the world(beyond the baby us) is to be trusted. But if our parents neglect us or mistreat us--> "i'm not worthy, the world is not to be trusted"
Well, besides our parents, there's significant others n reference gps ( peers, media, bible) which we mould ourselves with with along the way...
"self" affirming - A&T quoted that studies reveal both college students and married couples with high self-esteem seek out partners who view them favourably, whereas those with negative self-esteem are more inclined to interact with ppl who view them unfavourably.**
Kinda like saying " i'll never get that sort of girl(guy)"... thus he(she) limits his search to what he set...
Some other "self-fullfilling prophecies" ....?!
"men cannot be trusted" ?
"women are hard to please" ?
If those thots are not dealt with, they will come back to hunt u hur? or perhaps far beyond those thots stem some bitter roots?****
Well, there's always hope if ppl are willing to change... That's when faith comes in handy too- when we allow the word of God to tell us who we are or shape our outcome*** ( n stop listening to ourselves for a change)
*"Looking Out Looking In" ~Adler B.A., Towne N.
**"Truth Aches: Ppl Who View Themselves Poorly May Seek the "Truth" and Find Despair" Science News ( Aug 15, 1992) ~ Bower B.
***Hebrews 11.
**** learn more about bitter fruits expectations <-- bitter roots in Elijah house.
been a while hur...?
am so glad i finally compiled my work report,which also marks the beginning of my holidays !
Am checking out the newspapers bout what's happening in town... am thinking of getting on the lrt and do some exploring or go visit a play/concert... deleted off my previous entry coz it sounded as if life's owing me life.
Maybe i haven't had a break for myself yet since last semester till now?
so, learning how to unbore myself? wonder how it be when i start work... well, pity those working folks out there ! =p
Am currently reading a book about communication* :
Found a term called " self-fulfilling prophecy". I phrase it as how we determined the outcome by what we believe/expect. Like, if we expect others/certain gps of ppl to reject us, we tend to reject them first to avoid getting hurt ( like b4?). So given an event, we act out our believe by staying aloof/be skeptical while a curious passerby tap into our world, telling ourselves "nah, he's just being friendly by obligation", "he's jst interested to know me b'coz i..."
Or i can recall some ppl who make themselves appear so complicated...and complain that ppl don't understand them or so they thot ppl wouldn't understand em'? ( ophs, sounds like me )
So it goes round like a cycle :
ppl dun understand me --> not make a point to be understood --> others dun understand --> not make a point to be understood...
ppl will reject me --> reject others --> ppl reject me --> reject others ....
[ there are also positive ones, like : ppl are nice --> be friendly --> ppl are nice ( reciprocate one's friendliness) --> be friendly...
n of course there are exceptions as well la! ( like failing a paper even though we expect to pass) ]
Adler& Town(A&T) stated that we form our self image by what we're being communicated while young. But as we grow older, our self concept resist changes. A term called "cognitive conservatism"...also, we have a tendency to look out for others to affirm our 'self' rather than being concerned with learning the "truth".
Explanations?
Starting as a baby, we've no idea of perceiving who we are except by what we receive ( verbally or non ). Like, if our parents love us and attend to our needs --> we perceived that we're loved, we're worthy, and the world(beyond the baby us) is to be trusted. But if our parents neglect us or mistreat us--> "i'm not worthy, the world is not to be trusted"
Well, besides our parents, there's significant others n reference gps ( peers, media, bible) which we mould ourselves with with along the way...
"self" affirming - A&T quoted that studies reveal both college students and married couples with high self-esteem seek out partners who view them favourably, whereas those with negative self-esteem are more inclined to interact with ppl who view them unfavourably.**
Kinda like saying " i'll never get that sort of girl(guy)"... thus he(she) limits his search to what he set...
Some other "self-fullfilling prophecies" ....?!
"men cannot be trusted" ?
"women are hard to please" ?
If those thots are not dealt with, they will come back to hunt u hur? or perhaps far beyond those thots stem some bitter roots?****
Well, there's always hope if ppl are willing to change... That's when faith comes in handy too- when we allow the word of God to tell us who we are or shape our outcome*** ( n stop listening to ourselves for a change)
*"Looking Out Looking In" ~Adler B.A., Towne N.
**"Truth Aches: Ppl Who View Themselves Poorly May Seek the "Truth" and Find Despair" Science News ( Aug 15, 1992) ~ Bower B.
***Hebrews 11.
**** learn more about bitter fruits expectations <-- bitter roots in Elijah house.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Put your hope in God
Wonder how it feels to be thorn between the earthquakes?
part between the very worlds and held u?
kinda tempting to feel all sorry about yourself for not knowing what to do...
Or having so many voices screaming fr all directions...
All u ever wanted to do is to run back home...
to a place safe and secure where things will never change...
but i guess time moves on... however tight we try to hold on to it...
leaving u memories of the old...
and a big wide uncertain space call future...
kinda took me a while to decide to pen this down... guess coz i'm like e disciples wondering why their Master's asleep on the boat leaving them alone to battle the threatening storm.
"Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Put your hope in God.
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Look upon His countenance" ~modified fr Ps 42: 5, 11
Feelings…
sometimes...upon self reflection, all we find is but sadness overshadowing our hearts...
Dr Jones said we are not to be master over by them, but to anchor ourselves in His word ( Hebs 6 : 18-19 )... to focus on the truth( hope)… to believe despite circumstances or what our feelings or minds paints for us.
I recalled watching a child development programme, in which a researcher bounded the babies hand to see how they would respond. All the babies protested ( kinda cute sight... but i guess nobody likes to be trapped hur? ). However, they ceased crying when they were shown videos of baby pictures.
God's word goes beyond distracting us fr our sorrows, but to sail ur thru life. A path to be walked on itself.
Fears...
Remember Peter as he took first bold stride out of the boat into the water ? He faltered when he saw the storms…( Jones pointed out that the storms was already there even b4 he got out of the boat)
Fear is Self-protection... It asks " what would happen to "me" if "i". It paralyzes us from shooting our branches…
However God has given us a spirit of power, love and sound mind ( 2 Tim 1: 7) , a spirit of sonship, by him we call ‘abba father'...( roms 8: 15)
When we gaze upon the love of God, and loving him, we would forget ourselves…
"See, i have engraved you on the palms of my hands" Isaiah 49: 16 ( i keep this verse in middle of my study bible )
I Recalled in TL, my teacher Mariah drew a comparison of our mind and God’s --> ours like a tiny little pea while his filled the whole blackboard…
So i guess all we’re asked is to trust? Prov 3 :5
... redemption is a greater miracle than creation, grace flows out of redemption...if only we would realize how much we can't live without it ? As how the Israelite depended upon God's daily provision of manna, so our life's are in need of His miracle each day...
my summary fr Martin Lloyd Jones "Spiritual Depression"
p.s-heya, sorry mr CCDD for the small fonts.. i've to restrict my words to one page.
p.s - for a more positive note, today i went cycling with jin and yik... discovered a small trail fr 19 to shah alam.. we trespassed a new housing estate, spotted a turtle crossing the road...and came home with all mud and sweat...
part between the very worlds and held u?
kinda tempting to feel all sorry about yourself for not knowing what to do...
Or having so many voices screaming fr all directions...
All u ever wanted to do is to run back home...
to a place safe and secure where things will never change...
but i guess time moves on... however tight we try to hold on to it...
leaving u memories of the old...
and a big wide uncertain space call future...
kinda took me a while to decide to pen this down... guess coz i'm like e disciples wondering why their Master's asleep on the boat leaving them alone to battle the threatening storm.
"Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Put your hope in God.
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Look upon His countenance" ~modified fr Ps 42: 5, 11
Feelings…
sometimes...upon self reflection, all we find is but sadness overshadowing our hearts...
Dr Jones said we are not to be master over by them, but to anchor ourselves in His word ( Hebs 6 : 18-19 )... to focus on the truth( hope)… to believe despite circumstances or what our feelings or minds paints for us.
I recalled watching a child development programme, in which a researcher bounded the babies hand to see how they would respond. All the babies protested ( kinda cute sight... but i guess nobody likes to be trapped hur? ). However, they ceased crying when they were shown videos of baby pictures.
God's word goes beyond distracting us fr our sorrows, but to sail ur thru life. A path to be walked on itself.
Fears...
Remember Peter as he took first bold stride out of the boat into the water ? He faltered when he saw the storms…( Jones pointed out that the storms was already there even b4 he got out of the boat)
Fear is Self-protection... It asks " what would happen to "me" if "i". It paralyzes us from shooting our branches…
However God has given us a spirit of power, love and sound mind ( 2 Tim 1: 7) , a spirit of sonship, by him we call ‘abba father'...( roms 8: 15)
When we gaze upon the love of God, and loving him, we would forget ourselves…
"See, i have engraved you on the palms of my hands" Isaiah 49: 16 ( i keep this verse in middle of my study bible )
I Recalled in TL, my teacher Mariah drew a comparison of our mind and God’s --> ours like a tiny little pea while his filled the whole blackboard…
So i guess all we’re asked is to trust? Prov 3 :5
... redemption is a greater miracle than creation, grace flows out of redemption...if only we would realize how much we can't live without it ? As how the Israelite depended upon God's daily provision of manna, so our life's are in need of His miracle each day...
my summary fr Martin Lloyd Jones "Spiritual Depression"
p.s-heya, sorry mr CCDD for the small fonts.. i've to restrict my words to one page.
p.s - for a more positive note, today i went cycling with jin and yik... discovered a small trail fr 19 to shah alam.. we trespassed a new housing estate, spotted a turtle crossing the road...and came home with all mud and sweat...
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
stranger in the land...
have u ever ride towards the western horizon
on a high bridge far above the roof tops
where the sun's retreating behind the clouds?
u press yr pedal to chase after the sun
yet the eastern shadow's catching up on you...
and you step deeper hoping your surroundings would just fade off?
The once familiar pine trees that trailed your paths
who waved to greet u as you drove home
were all uprooted in replaced of progression...
Or have u entered the same building
seeing the same faces, the similiar handshakes
yet you recognize them not except the fading smiles...( like a trail of white foam left by the passing ship)
Have you woke up one day
to find ( the countenance of ) the person whom u've walked and talked with
clouded with questions and many unknowns
has he become a stranger at the bedside...
or am i just a stanger in the house? a stranger in the land?
running and gasping after hope... to find myself whirled by winds of doubt...?
was listening to Ravel's piano concerto in G, 2nd mov on e way home... well, just felt like penning these words down...
Friday, April 22, 2005
Vocabulary
Amazing : One who has been thru' many heart-aching and mind bogging experiences, yet still remain child-like in faith... " i trusted God and he delivered me. period"
Grace : As undeserving as "what is a place like me doing in a girl like this?" ( Nat's favorite quote. keke ) U can neither explain for nor against it...
Love is... "( choosing to) Switching off my favourite football match while my spouse is talking to me" ~Gary Chapman.* ( how noble! I hardly lift my eyes off the computer screen while mom's talking to me... "uh hur... hurm... hmm...mmmm..." )
fear : False Evidence Appearing Real
Faith : Perpetual unbelief kept quiet, like the snake beneath Michael's foot. ~Browning**
* Author of the 5 love langguages...
** duno who's that. But quoted by Martin Lloyd-Jones in Spiritual Depression.
Monday, April 18, 2005
aging
aging ( with a small 'a')
sigh*... can't escape that right ? ( i can see a few folds under my eyebrows liao... sobs...)
guess by the time we all reach a quarter of our lifespan, there would be a fair portion of sweet or bitter memories, hopes and despairs accumulated... " Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna get" ~Forrest Gump.
where i am now... i feel like i'm sitting in a nest of familarity. Sheltered. Not knowing where to spread my wings. It would be a pity that just a few ounce into life, one has already been wrapped up with life's preplexity... allowing early failures and dissapointments to form a crust around ones' hearts.
I remembered a series in The Wonder Years, where Kevin Arnold narrated about his family... Well, with everyone else seemingly moving to their own path. Big bro ( a little dump dump ) with his gf which was difficult to fit in the family ( she's portrayed as a chubby girl who enjoyed eating chips and sitting in front of the t.v. ), sister's who's about to leave home to further her studies ( she took a subject on sexual politics ) Dad - middle-age, cranky and blaming others about his unfulfilled potentials.
Well, things started to get a little messy when the Arnolds were in dad's high school summer reunion...( bro got dumped by his gf, little Arnnie exposed his father's fault right in front of his high school mates )
Towards the last night while the Arnolds sat as a family at the camp fire, Kevin concluded that" ...i guess we need to forgive ourselves for growing up"
Growing up is not easy... with so much burdens at such a young age, we need to unload them in exchange of His mercy and grace to help us start afresh.
to add fr the ending song played when sis's being sent away to college...
"may God's mercy be upon you...
may you never grow old...
may you grow up in righteousness and truth..."
( not too clear about the exact lyrics, but ya, don't grow old and cranky, like " nah,been there, done that" )
Well, remember Martin Luther's " i have a dream", Edison's light bulb, Elisabeth Elliot's Agape love for the Waodoni at Ecuador that killed her husband, Jesus on His journey to Damascus... ( ppl who believed and kept faith - the "patience" of the saints )
My prayer for the quarter lifers, ( n myself la )
" May u...Endure all things, believe all things, hope all things, bear up under all things, not losing heart nor courage, for Love never fails" ~ I Cor 13 : 7,8 ( adapted fr Kenneth S. Wuest “ the new testament, An Expanded Translation )
to the faint hearted,
" It's not when we would have all we ask for, but when all we ask for we have them not, and only then, that we can truly experience him as our Source. ( El-Shaddai ). When the sea is moonless that the Lord has become my Light." ~ adapted fr Elisabeth Elliot's "Keep a Quiet Heart-Moonless Trust".
sigh*... can't escape that right ? ( i can see a few folds under my eyebrows liao... sobs...)
guess by the time we all reach a quarter of our lifespan, there would be a fair portion of sweet or bitter memories, hopes and despairs accumulated... " Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna get" ~Forrest Gump.
where i am now... i feel like i'm sitting in a nest of familarity. Sheltered. Not knowing where to spread my wings. It would be a pity that just a few ounce into life, one has already been wrapped up with life's preplexity... allowing early failures and dissapointments to form a crust around ones' hearts.
I remembered a series in The Wonder Years, where Kevin Arnold narrated about his family... Well, with everyone else seemingly moving to their own path. Big bro ( a little dump dump ) with his gf which was difficult to fit in the family ( she's portrayed as a chubby girl who enjoyed eating chips and sitting in front of the t.v. ), sister's who's about to leave home to further her studies ( she took a subject on sexual politics ) Dad - middle-age, cranky and blaming others about his unfulfilled potentials.
Well, things started to get a little messy when the Arnolds were in dad's high school summer reunion...( bro got dumped by his gf, little Arnnie exposed his father's fault right in front of his high school mates )
Towards the last night while the Arnolds sat as a family at the camp fire, Kevin concluded that" ...i guess we need to forgive ourselves for growing up"
Growing up is not easy... with so much burdens at such a young age, we need to unload them in exchange of His mercy and grace to help us start afresh.
to add fr the ending song played when sis's being sent away to college...
"may God's mercy be upon you...
may you never grow old...
may you grow up in righteousness and truth..."
( not too clear about the exact lyrics, but ya, don't grow old and cranky, like " nah,been there, done that" )
Well, remember Martin Luther's " i have a dream", Edison's light bulb, Elisabeth Elliot's Agape love for the Waodoni at Ecuador that killed her husband, Jesus on His journey to Damascus... ( ppl who believed and kept faith - the "patience" of the saints )
My prayer for the quarter lifers, ( n myself la )
" May u...Endure all things, believe all things, hope all things, bear up under all things, not losing heart nor courage, for Love never fails" ~ I Cor 13 : 7,8 ( adapted fr Kenneth S. Wuest “ the new testament, An Expanded Translation )
to the faint hearted,
" It's not when we would have all we ask for, but when all we ask for we have them not, and only then, that we can truly experience him as our Source. ( El-Shaddai ). When the sea is moonless that the Lord has become my Light." ~ adapted fr Elisabeth Elliot's "Keep a Quiet Heart-Moonless Trust".
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
two sides of a coin
haven't blogged for a month or so... kinda feel drained after work n all i care is to jump straight to bed.
Today, as i was strolling around my office ( happened to be running a time base experiment, and there's free slots in between towards the evening) i found an aquarium in one of the unused office. It's got couple of quiant tropical fishes which i've not seen before. One has white spots on it's pale orangy surface, the opposite pair has orange spots on it's white body...a calico sucker fish which was happily sucking the algae fr a pebble. It froze when i accidently shook the table while stealing a closer look at it. Hiding behind the air bubbles were 2 small lil black fish, with a dash of red paint at its fore fins. I can imagine if they flap their fins, it would looked as if they're clapping their "hands".
Observing them made me missed my own guppies outside the house. Haven't been cleaning their terracota 'house' or watch them swing their flambouyant tails... only have time to throw breakfast down and rush to work... really miss waking up to consult the weather forecast station ( my feelings ) whether today's a good day to go class or back to the covers....
Working life- leaves me with just the rubbles left... i wonder whether it's worth spending away my youth this way...
p.s-"but ur working 10-4.30 onlee!! " ya, but these few days i spent about 8-9 hrs in lab coz of the long experiments i'm running...so i'm allowed to complain a teeny bit.
but here's the catch ( the two sides of a coin ) : i realize life's starting to get shorter relatively, so i am seizing the moments doing the things that are important ( i finished 1 1/2 books within 2 weeks of work, ran all the errands on my lists n still made time for ppl ! "clap, clap":) )
As compared to when i have ample of time to spare ( say the entire holidays ) - i found myself gasping towards the last chapter, not knowing where the space between flew off...
i duno how to conclude fr here...*yawns* tend to get crappier as the night draws nearer...
i still need more time to sleep ( more! ), practice my piano, talk to God...
p.s- today i stole 1 hr of sleep in the conference/newspaper room @ work...felt bit drowsy... think i'm getting sick ( again )! probably not enough rest over the weekends... See, i need more sleep !
Today, as i was strolling around my office ( happened to be running a time base experiment, and there's free slots in between towards the evening) i found an aquarium in one of the unused office. It's got couple of quiant tropical fishes which i've not seen before. One has white spots on it's pale orangy surface, the opposite pair has orange spots on it's white body...a calico sucker fish which was happily sucking the algae fr a pebble. It froze when i accidently shook the table while stealing a closer look at it. Hiding behind the air bubbles were 2 small lil black fish, with a dash of red paint at its fore fins. I can imagine if they flap their fins, it would looked as if they're clapping their "hands".
Observing them made me missed my own guppies outside the house. Haven't been cleaning their terracota 'house' or watch them swing their flambouyant tails... only have time to throw breakfast down and rush to work... really miss waking up to consult the weather forecast station ( my feelings ) whether today's a good day to go class or back to the covers....
Working life- leaves me with just the rubbles left... i wonder whether it's worth spending away my youth this way...
p.s-"but ur working 10-4.30 onlee!! " ya, but these few days i spent about 8-9 hrs in lab coz of the long experiments i'm running...so i'm allowed to complain a teeny bit.
but here's the catch ( the two sides of a coin ) : i realize life's starting to get shorter relatively, so i am seizing the moments doing the things that are important ( i finished 1 1/2 books within 2 weeks of work, ran all the errands on my lists n still made time for ppl ! "clap, clap":) )
As compared to when i have ample of time to spare ( say the entire holidays ) - i found myself gasping towards the last chapter, not knowing where the space between flew off...
i duno how to conclude fr here...*yawns* tend to get crappier as the night draws nearer...
i still need more time to sleep ( more! ), practice my piano, talk to God...
p.s- today i stole 1 hr of sleep in the conference/newspaper room @ work...felt bit drowsy... think i'm getting sick ( again )! probably not enough rest over the weekends... See, i need more sleep !
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
to infinity and beyond... !!
very much a post exam feeling eh ? totally unrestricted...
looking back, i felt like i'm cruising on a small little boat with no steer or oars, bumping thru' the waves, in other turns sailing, or me hiding behind a thin sheet obllivion to my surroundings...
with the past two weeks that wentby... there were waves of assignments crashing over me, splashed by flu, soaked by weariness, striked with few surprises ( good and bad ), sailing thru with friends and love ones ( cousins ) that swam by n yet slowly raising a banner thru prayers (or He has sent his Helper to raise a banner... )
the last time i wrote about my life as i felt like a boat was about two years ago in TL - when we're asked to journal shortly how have the year been... i was then anchored deep in the middle of the ocean with the winds billowing, yet not setting sail except in circles.
Now the anchor has coiled up ( so i felt the captain above has release me) into the deep blue, i see a wedge leading to the horizon... uncertain as i am as where he would lead me, but my heart is setting sail to a cause bigger than i am. If i would allow him to steer me ?
Father,
thk u for teaching me that the best place to be is at your feet.. hidden and covered with your love... as the old saints n kings ( david ) has learnt amidst victory and warcry the best place to be is " to dwell in your house foreever and to gaze at your beauty"... thk u for sowing your seed, encapsuling your plans and purposes in our lifes...may your everlasting covenant be fulfilled in our lifes.
a child.
looking back, i felt like i'm cruising on a small little boat with no steer or oars, bumping thru' the waves, in other turns sailing, or me hiding behind a thin sheet obllivion to my surroundings...
with the past two weeks that wentby... there were waves of assignments crashing over me, splashed by flu, soaked by weariness, striked with few surprises ( good and bad ), sailing thru with friends and love ones ( cousins ) that swam by n yet slowly raising a banner thru prayers (or He has sent his Helper to raise a banner... )
the last time i wrote about my life as i felt like a boat was about two years ago in TL - when we're asked to journal shortly how have the year been... i was then anchored deep in the middle of the ocean with the winds billowing, yet not setting sail except in circles.
Now the anchor has coiled up ( so i felt the captain above has release me) into the deep blue, i see a wedge leading to the horizon... uncertain as i am as where he would lead me, but my heart is setting sail to a cause bigger than i am. If i would allow him to steer me ?
Father,
thk u for teaching me that the best place to be is at your feet.. hidden and covered with your love... as the old saints n kings ( david ) has learnt amidst victory and warcry the best place to be is " to dwell in your house foreever and to gaze at your beauty"... thk u for sowing your seed, encapsuling your plans and purposes in our lifes...may your everlasting covenant be fulfilled in our lifes.
a child.
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Her Royal Blurness
i've forgotten to go for tuition, worship practice...
forgot to switched off the stove fire...
left my clothes in hotels,
left my wallet...
and crème de la crème - i forgot to collect my exam slip. ( note: collect, not bring )
Me : How did u?
HRB :uh uh.. i just forgot !
Me : When did u realized ?
HRB : Well, this morning, while packing my bags b4 leaving.. say 1 hr b4 my 1st paper.
I recalled wining the Miss Blurr no.1 title among my car pool friends. I "humbly" decline it for STing coz i felt she deserved it more than i do... but i guess we know who's the winner now.( well, she still felt i was the best then )
Anyways, i drove to uni - yeaps squeezing thru the byways into the jam... "eeek" the lady behind scatched my car bumper - gosh ! she didn't even realise it till i walk down- yeaps, still smucking my "butt", i felt the pressure inside. Nor did she left her seat ( for royalty sake' ! ), but i spared her, with so many things on my mind...
yes, heaven was nearby - with my désespéré prayer n hell speed.
Went to Sek Peperiksaan ( thx 4 yr help Chris! ), - Clerk bercuti n office only opens at 8.30am. 8.30 !!! gee, that's when my paper starts...To cut short the crap, i sat for my exam without the slip ( or any sort of white paper for the record )... Dr Teoh, my prof happened to be our examiner, and he let me pass ( with a "oh" ) no stinky face nor screeny eyes... am so thkful for Zhr too... he was with me throughout the time- esp feeling my anxiety -saw him running to sek peperiksaan. gee...thx pal !
Well, later- paid RM 15 and got my slip. ( fifteen... not fifty *ahem*)
"biscuit( my name ) keh ? sains fac ? oh, satu saja tinggal"
"bila exam?"
"eh, tinggal dekat saja..." ( he checked my matrix card )
Had to rub in some craps about me having flu and all ( still true... u never know... flu bug might get into my nervous systems )...
I still remember his last retort : ( amused... totally amused )
"Hari ini exam hari ini kutip ?" ( erm... ya )
he laughed-like how u'd goof while watching barbra streisand in Funny Girl or Charlie Chaplin - a "classic" case. It wasn't a sardonic or snorty laugh, just unbelievable...
Finally ! tot i could get back to flush it out- the birds of the skys have to 'celebrate' my malangness. Why do they have to group shit at my car ?! fr my top bonnet to front mirror down is littered with cherry blossom coloured droppings. Why, the neighbour cars have just a smack only ?! ( arrr... 2nd time in uni. how lucky can i get ? I've "x" out the kps tree. This one's at the library )
Her royal blurnee ? or just a shitty business ?
I sang Adam Sandler's ( below ) to Zhr on the way to exam hall... think i shall memorise the whole song next time.
forgot to switched off the stove fire...
left my clothes in hotels,
left my wallet...
and crème de la crème - i forgot to collect my exam slip. ( note: collect, not bring )
Me : How did u?
HRB :uh uh.. i just forgot !
Me : When did u realized ?
HRB : Well, this morning, while packing my bags b4 leaving.. say 1 hr b4 my 1st paper.
I recalled wining the Miss Blurr no.1 title among my car pool friends. I "humbly" decline it for STing coz i felt she deserved it more than i do... but i guess we know who's the winner now.( well, she still felt i was the best then )
Anyways, i drove to uni - yeaps squeezing thru the byways into the jam... "eeek" the lady behind scatched my car bumper - gosh ! she didn't even realise it till i walk down- yeaps, still smucking my "butt", i felt the pressure inside. Nor did she left her seat ( for royalty sake' ! ), but i spared her, with so many things on my mind...
yes, heaven was nearby - with my désespéré prayer n hell speed.
Went to Sek Peperiksaan ( thx 4 yr help Chris! ), - Clerk bercuti n office only opens at 8.30am. 8.30 !!! gee, that's when my paper starts...To cut short the crap, i sat for my exam without the slip ( or any sort of white paper for the record )... Dr Teoh, my prof happened to be our examiner, and he let me pass ( with a "oh" ) no stinky face nor screeny eyes... am so thkful for Zhr too... he was with me throughout the time- esp feeling my anxiety -saw him running to sek peperiksaan. gee...thx pal !
Well, later- paid RM 15 and got my slip. ( fifteen... not fifty *ahem*)
"biscuit( my name ) keh ? sains fac ? oh, satu saja tinggal"
"bila exam?"
"eh, tinggal dekat saja..." ( he checked my matrix card )
Had to rub in some craps about me having flu and all ( still true... u never know... flu bug might get into my nervous systems )...
I still remember his last retort : ( amused... totally amused )
"Hari ini exam hari ini kutip ?" ( erm... ya )
he laughed-like how u'd goof while watching barbra streisand in Funny Girl or Charlie Chaplin - a "classic" case. It wasn't a sardonic or snorty laugh, just unbelievable...
Finally ! tot i could get back to flush it out- the birds of the skys have to 'celebrate' my malangness. Why do they have to group shit at my car ?! fr my top bonnet to front mirror down is littered with cherry blossom coloured droppings. Why, the neighbour cars have just a smack only ?! ( arrr... 2nd time in uni. how lucky can i get ? I've "x" out the kps tree. This one's at the library )
Her royal blurnee ? or just a shitty business ?
I sang Adam Sandler's ( below ) to Zhr on the way to exam hall... think i shall memorise the whole song next time.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Anger Management
"When emotions pulsates, the mind becomes deceited, conscience is denied it's normal standard of judgement" ~ Watchman Nee
I feel pretty,
Oh so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and gay,
And I pity any girl who isnt me today,
Lalalalalalalala
I feel charming,
Oh so charming,
It's alarming how charming i feel,
And so pretty that I hardly believe im real,
lalalalalalala,
See that pretty girl in that mirror there ( what mirror where )
Who can that attractive girl be ( which one where hum )
What a pretty face ( Hum )
What a pretty dress ( Hum )
What a pretty smile ( Hum )
What a pretty meeee( Hummm )
I feel stunning ( feel stunning)
And entrancing ( and entrancing )
Feel like running and dancing for joy
for im loved by a pretty wonderful boy!
~ Adam Sandler “I Feel Pretty” (Anger Managment)
Had a good grab on this book which i found lying right on top of the library table...So far the best description of anger i'd coin is "what we feel when our expectations or needs are unmet". U see, most of the time ppl do not intentionally hurt us ( unless u start singing that song above ) but it's just they don't anticipate our expectations...
The benchmark :
Ourselves :
- physical endurance
- intellectual & task pursuit ( i have to score A for this paper - even though u only studied last min )
- social behavior ( i sounded stupid jst now...must u be smart and brilliant all the time?)
others :
- manners and social etiquette ( why did he wear slippers to our date? ),
- affirmation and intimacy ( don't feel loved or attended the way u wish ),
- equity and Fairness ( i called u twice, how come u never return e favour?),
- intrusion and annoyance ( giggling and screaming while i'm doing homework is rude )
I guess the trick is to realise ppl jst don't live according to our borders and lines, and allow others the benefit of doubt? Joyce Meyer said that after many years into your marriage, when all the mushy feelings are gone, u've just got to believe that your spouse love u ( even though u may not feel like ). it all takes faith hur? haha
While we tend to associate anger with thunder and lightning, but there are many faces of anger...
Behind the Mask :
- Passive-agrression : withholds affection or intimacy. May "forgot" or fail to follow through commitments. Engages in actions known to upset the other person. chronic lateness?
- Sarcasm : Makes sarcastic or cutting remarks about others. Uses tone or manners that convey disapproval or disgust. Reveals embarassing moments of offender to stir humiliation fr others
- Cold anger : Prolong withdrawal. Avoids intimacy and refuses to reveal what is bothering. refrain emotion discussion when angry.
- Hostility : Express inner intensity. Acts time-impatient. Shows signs of frustration with others who don't aren't quick enough or fail to perform according to expectations.
- Aggression : Verbally loud or abusive. Curses and blames. Harbour thoughts of hurting others and may act on others physically.
What fuels up the spark could be due to our negative self-talks too...here are few examples :
Distorted self-talk :
- Personalizing : you feel personally attacked. you believe another person's intentions or statement are directed towards you without considering other possibilities.
- Catastrophizing : you awfulize the situation...well beyond the facts.
- Forecasting : you predict it will turn out badly... leaving other possible outcomes.
- Polarized thinking : you focus on the extreme ( evil/ good, Sucess/failure) You think in overgeneralize terms ( never, always, every )
- Mind reading : you assume you know how others think or feel... without even asking.
- Labeling : You use labels to describe a person or situation. ( eventually u think of them the way u tag them )
- Filtering : you focus on the worst thing that turn out without examinig the neutral or positive events.
- Thresholding : You set arbitrary limit to what you can stand/tolerate. You feel justified to be more intense or punitive when others 'cross' it.
- Blueprinting : you plot out revenge in your mind.
pant, pant* i better stop here... gtg study for 2 papers to come. Go check up " taking Charge of Anger" by Robert Nay if ur keen. It cost about Rm 140 though... wonder whether to photostate or...ophs
I feel pretty,
Oh so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and gay,
And I pity any girl who isnt me today,
Lalalalalalalala
I feel charming,
Oh so charming,
It's alarming how charming i feel,
And so pretty that I hardly believe im real,
lalalalalalala,
See that pretty girl in that mirror there ( what mirror where )
Who can that attractive girl be ( which one where hum )
What a pretty face ( Hum )
What a pretty dress ( Hum )
What a pretty smile ( Hum )
What a pretty meeee( Hummm )
I feel stunning ( feel stunning)
And entrancing ( and entrancing )
Feel like running and dancing for joy
for im loved by a pretty wonderful boy!
~ Adam Sandler “I Feel Pretty” (Anger Managment)
Had a good grab on this book which i found lying right on top of the library table...So far the best description of anger i'd coin is "what we feel when our expectations or needs are unmet". U see, most of the time ppl do not intentionally hurt us ( unless u start singing that song above ) but it's just they don't anticipate our expectations...
The benchmark :
Ourselves :
- physical endurance
- intellectual & task pursuit ( i have to score A for this paper - even though u only studied last min )
- social behavior ( i sounded stupid jst now...must u be smart and brilliant all the time?)
others :
- manners and social etiquette ( why did he wear slippers to our date? ),
- affirmation and intimacy ( don't feel loved or attended the way u wish ),
- equity and Fairness ( i called u twice, how come u never return e favour?),
- intrusion and annoyance ( giggling and screaming while i'm doing homework is rude )
I guess the trick is to realise ppl jst don't live according to our borders and lines, and allow others the benefit of doubt? Joyce Meyer said that after many years into your marriage, when all the mushy feelings are gone, u've just got to believe that your spouse love u ( even though u may not feel like ). it all takes faith hur? haha
While we tend to associate anger with thunder and lightning, but there are many faces of anger...
Behind the Mask :
- Passive-agrression : withholds affection or intimacy. May "forgot" or fail to follow through commitments. Engages in actions known to upset the other person. chronic lateness?
- Sarcasm : Makes sarcastic or cutting remarks about others. Uses tone or manners that convey disapproval or disgust. Reveals embarassing moments of offender to stir humiliation fr others
- Cold anger : Prolong withdrawal. Avoids intimacy and refuses to reveal what is bothering. refrain emotion discussion when angry.
- Hostility : Express inner intensity. Acts time-impatient. Shows signs of frustration with others who don't aren't quick enough or fail to perform according to expectations.
- Aggression : Verbally loud or abusive. Curses and blames. Harbour thoughts of hurting others and may act on others physically.
What fuels up the spark could be due to our negative self-talks too...here are few examples :
Distorted self-talk :
- Personalizing : you feel personally attacked. you believe another person's intentions or statement are directed towards you without considering other possibilities.
- Catastrophizing : you awfulize the situation...well beyond the facts.
- Forecasting : you predict it will turn out badly... leaving other possible outcomes.
- Polarized thinking : you focus on the extreme ( evil/ good, Sucess/failure) You think in overgeneralize terms ( never, always, every )
- Mind reading : you assume you know how others think or feel... without even asking.
- Labeling : You use labels to describe a person or situation. ( eventually u think of them the way u tag them )
- Filtering : you focus on the worst thing that turn out without examinig the neutral or positive events.
- Thresholding : You set arbitrary limit to what you can stand/tolerate. You feel justified to be more intense or punitive when others 'cross' it.
- Blueprinting : you plot out revenge in your mind.
pant, pant* i better stop here... gtg study for 2 papers to come. Go check up " taking Charge of Anger" by Robert Nay if ur keen. It cost about Rm 140 though... wonder whether to photostate or...ophs
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Musings
i feel so sad i forgot to bring back the calender my aunt gave to mom in Kedah. It had nice batik prints on it... and i recalled mom reminding me twice there... wasn't so much of the calender, but seeing how often i conveniently not remember my family's request... somehow...
My family went over to our previous neighbour's open house in bkt jelutong. It's such a nice cosy spacious bangalow - stone walkway lining the streets at both sides, the wooden nusantara fish pond, music room ( i dream. if only i've one, i make sure i practice everyday :) ), t.v. room, the feel of solid timber flooring, ( i fell in love with ) the study room above - which has a little balcony overseeing the garden below ( designed to unwind? ), and the ample space for the greens to roam... if onlee...
mom's gonna extend the house... and i be glad for the extra S P A C E for my room. I wonder how it be like sharing room with others...somehow i'll imagine locking myself inside the bathroom along with some books just to secure that 3 dimension with myself...
Anyways, gonna miss the two cheeky lil kids. Ed used to jump over our fence n Hzl could sweet talk anyone ( except her mummy ) in giving her what she wants... ( now it's candies since her moma forbid her... wonder what's she gonna tempt the guys into getting her next time... :) )
Been visited by my lil cousin SCyi over the weekends... somehow having visitors stay over seemed to brighten up my house. ( i can't explain my delight in space and visitors at the same time )...neighter can i describe the freshness i feel. Most of the time it's just the 4 of us we see...sigh* I love to listen to others share their life... somehow i dream that my home would be a place where ppl would feel welcome & comfortable... n missionaries or my kids friends can just bunk in anytime... but reality is such that i've been heavily tax living a urban lifestyle...deprived of soulful erm delicacies ?
Not departing from the flow of the prev line... i stole some time for myself last Saturday.
Got a license to skip my ko-k class... i figure out that the Sat b4 CNY would be jam.. and since i was still coughing that week ( residues of flu ) - be a good excuse ? well, the doc gave me MC upon request... hihihi
well, rest and serenity is good for the soul anyways...
" what good doth it profit a man to gain the whole world yet forfeit his soul ? or What can a man give in exchange for his soul?" -Mark 8 :36-37
My family went over to our previous neighbour's open house in bkt jelutong. It's such a nice cosy spacious bangalow - stone walkway lining the streets at both sides, the wooden nusantara fish pond, music room ( i dream. if only i've one, i make sure i practice everyday :) ), t.v. room, the feel of solid timber flooring, ( i fell in love with ) the study room above - which has a little balcony overseeing the garden below ( designed to unwind? ), and the ample space for the greens to roam... if onlee...
mom's gonna extend the house... and i be glad for the extra S P A C E for my room. I wonder how it be like sharing room with others...somehow i'll imagine locking myself inside the bathroom along with some books just to secure that 3 dimension with myself...
Anyways, gonna miss the two cheeky lil kids. Ed used to jump over our fence n Hzl could sweet talk anyone ( except her mummy ) in giving her what she wants... ( now it's candies since her moma forbid her... wonder what's she gonna tempt the guys into getting her next time... :) )
Been visited by my lil cousin SCyi over the weekends... somehow having visitors stay over seemed to brighten up my house. ( i can't explain my delight in space and visitors at the same time )...neighter can i describe the freshness i feel. Most of the time it's just the 4 of us we see...sigh* I love to listen to others share their life... somehow i dream that my home would be a place where ppl would feel welcome & comfortable... n missionaries or my kids friends can just bunk in anytime... but reality is such that i've been heavily tax living a urban lifestyle...deprived of soulful erm delicacies ?
Not departing from the flow of the prev line... i stole some time for myself last Saturday.
Got a license to skip my ko-k class... i figure out that the Sat b4 CNY would be jam.. and since i was still coughing that week ( residues of flu ) - be a good excuse ? well, the doc gave me MC upon request... hihihi
well, rest and serenity is good for the soul anyways...
" what good doth it profit a man to gain the whole world yet forfeit his soul ? or What can a man give in exchange for his soul?" -Mark 8 :36-37
Friday, February 04, 2005
1 February
i purposed to end my assignment on 1st. should have end it then...
i'm presenting a piece on EU-ACP tmr... didn't have good experience being upfront. I pray this will be good -that is hopefully most of my classmates have left home.
but... hehe...
holiday marh...
celebrated one of my friend's b'day... it's pretty amazing that so many others turned out ! well, almost everyone i texted !!! even the visitors...
this entire semester feels so festivy... i hardly felt like i'm in uni.
i brought a cute lil toy doggy as an ancient belated b'day gift for a friend...
but look at it - i can feel it's doopy eyes staring at me... feels so nice running my hands on it's brown patchy furr, and it smell so good too... !! awww....
should i give away or keep it ? give it? keep it?
oh bother... next time if i purchase anything cute n irresistable - ask the shop to wrap it up !
Am i like having my 2nd childhood now ? i've this urge to start collecting soft toys again...
what with sesame street, winnie the pooh n wonder boys ( i wish they sell old movies here )
i'm presenting a piece on EU-ACP tmr... didn't have good experience being upfront. I pray this will be good -that is hopefully most of my classmates have left home.
but... hehe...
holiday marh...
celebrated one of my friend's b'day... it's pretty amazing that so many others turned out ! well, almost everyone i texted !!! even the visitors...
this entire semester feels so festivy... i hardly felt like i'm in uni.
i brought a cute lil toy doggy as an ancient belated b'day gift for a friend...
but look at it - i can feel it's doopy eyes staring at me... feels so nice running my hands on it's brown patchy furr, and it smell so good too... !! awww....
should i give away or keep it ? give it? keep it?
oh bother... next time if i purchase anything cute n irresistable - ask the shop to wrap it up !
Am i like having my 2nd childhood now ? i've this urge to start collecting soft toys again...
what with sesame street, winnie the pooh n wonder boys ( i wish they sell old movies here )
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
each day
He whose heart is kind beyond all measure
Gives unto each day what He deems best,
Lovingly its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.
~Lina Sandell, Swedish*
this week... diarrhea, flu...assignments...
each day passed by tasteless
been flushing my days off too huh...
not as determined as i used to be...
but i will relive again!
each new day presents a new chapter, a new hope... the anticipation of what lies ahead.
Lord, help me life each moment fruitfully
knowing within that my lot and portion is secure in you ( ps 16:5 )
*http://www.backtothebible.org/lifeissues/faith/a_quiet_heart.htm
Gives unto each day what He deems best,
Lovingly its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.
~Lina Sandell, Swedish*
this week... diarrhea, flu...assignments...
each day passed by tasteless
been flushing my days off too huh...
not as determined as i used to be...
but i will relive again!
each new day presents a new chapter, a new hope... the anticipation of what lies ahead.
Lord, help me life each moment fruitfully
knowing within that my lot and portion is secure in you ( ps 16:5 )
*http://www.backtothebible.org/lifeissues/faith/a_quiet_heart.htm
Monday, January 24, 2005
i'm scared..
remember in our gawky teeny days... where girls be whispering about the cute guy over the table... and guys be telling aloud miss who. ( somehow the same gang wd fall for one girl onlee...did they run out of choice or is she that cute? )... recall mr mond who's got girls after girls... did he not learn their lesson or? it's that worth tossling yr heart ard? or even now, singles giving jealous eye around their buddy who's preoccupied with their new toy now...maybe secretly blaming God thinking they're much better than their friends, but why not them ?
Why the hurry? my close encounters didn't prove it all that worth rejoicing over... it certainly didn't left me with a sense of fulfillment...
the last experience i had really felt my heart journeying a roller coaster ride... though the sms's, phones, free treats... really made me felt like a princess on top of a hill... really nice to be cared of so attentively... but it was excruciating arduous guessing the other party's unusual gesture...
and there i recalled digging out the clues, trying so hard to understand whether it was my fault or... in utmost humility n brokenness - if u'll jst tell me why ?
if anything worses than that is to have cold water splashed over your face... to think one has overreacted...you pick your pieces and scrambled them back again...
but over time, it seemed things has changed... some delayed replies here and there, forgotten apointments...
and then once again, the whole scenario is repeated... again ending with 2 pats on your back thinking maybe its' just me reading between the lines ?!
Suddenly- the whole thing ( which doens't seem like anything at all, duno whether anything has started nor even progressed ) just snipped off...
AJO said that men likes to bury issues down under, and seek their theraphy by caving...be worst dealing with those who has polka dot face ( tell me bt it! )... after the 2nd or 3rd chance - they jst give up without telling why...
maybe it's too difficult to express themselves ? or the moment they sense this is not gonna work out they cut themselves out ? without even trying... easier to start elsewhere?
sigh*.. and u guys think girls are so difficult to understand eh...?
Are Men fr Mars and Women fr Venus ?
What about the grand design of putting them together ? jst so they multiply and fill the earth ?
aunties :" so when u getting one yourself?"
me : " :)" ( can't u see? i'm so happy off by myself...? )
Why the hurry? my close encounters didn't prove it all that worth rejoicing over... it certainly didn't left me with a sense of fulfillment...
the last experience i had really felt my heart journeying a roller coaster ride... though the sms's, phones, free treats... really made me felt like a princess on top of a hill... really nice to be cared of so attentively... but it was excruciating arduous guessing the other party's unusual gesture...
and there i recalled digging out the clues, trying so hard to understand whether it was my fault or... in utmost humility n brokenness - if u'll jst tell me why ?
if anything worses than that is to have cold water splashed over your face... to think one has overreacted...you pick your pieces and scrambled them back again...
but over time, it seemed things has changed... some delayed replies here and there, forgotten apointments...
and then once again, the whole scenario is repeated... again ending with 2 pats on your back thinking maybe its' just me reading between the lines ?!
Suddenly- the whole thing ( which doens't seem like anything at all, duno whether anything has started nor even progressed ) just snipped off...
AJO said that men likes to bury issues down under, and seek their theraphy by caving...be worst dealing with those who has polka dot face ( tell me bt it! )... after the 2nd or 3rd chance - they jst give up without telling why...
maybe it's too difficult to express themselves ? or the moment they sense this is not gonna work out they cut themselves out ? without even trying... easier to start elsewhere?
sigh*.. and u guys think girls are so difficult to understand eh...?
Are Men fr Mars and Women fr Venus ?
What about the grand design of putting them together ? jst so they multiply and fill the earth ?
aunties :" so when u getting one yourself?"
me : " :)" ( can't u see? i'm so happy off by myself...? )
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
ARGggghhh...
one cup of tea for breakfast - this was to keep me awake for the morning lectures.
+
one cup of teh tarik at Raju's 4 lunch- to keep me alive for the aftern 3 hrs lectures...
=
wide awake the whole nite ( exhausted heart but hay-wired mind )
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
1.30am - fin reading mails
2.00am - drink milk ( they say it helps to cure sleepless nights )
2.15-6.30am - bed, hall, bed, tossled tossled...brains short-circuited...zap ziiitt zap zittst..
6.40am - am trying to sleep again...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
oh dear...i look like a panda bear... or garfield's master with popping eyeballs...
any ideas on how to cure overdosage of caffeine or unpredictable insomia ? or any suggestions on whurt to do when ur so tired but conscious refuse to shut up ? heh, was tempted to miss call some friends...
+
one cup of teh tarik at Raju's 4 lunch- to keep me alive for the aftern 3 hrs lectures...
=
wide awake the whole nite ( exhausted heart but hay-wired mind )
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
1.30am - fin reading mails
2.00am - drink milk ( they say it helps to cure sleepless nights )
2.15-6.30am - bed, hall, bed, tossled tossled...brains short-circuited...zap ziiitt zap zittst..
6.40am - am trying to sleep again...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
oh dear...i look like a panda bear... or garfield's master with popping eyeballs...
any ideas on how to cure overdosage of caffeine or unpredictable insomia ? or any suggestions on whurt to do when ur so tired but conscious refuse to shut up ? heh, was tempted to miss call some friends...
Friday, January 07, 2005
howeedays
" why are we always declaring our fears and doubts, why not start proclaiming faith and hope?" -joyce meyers.
This is to remind the blur me how i spent this week coz i can't recalled how i spent my lst...
Morning finds me refusing to greet the sun, but still made it around 10am to catch Sesame street. It's like my morning appetizer, and 9pm's My wife and Kids (Disney channel) -my dessert.
Been reading the book of Isaiah... it paints such pretty figuratives. Just love the way he describe stuffs " as strong as oaks of Bashan, cedars of labanon", or concerning Assyria " does the ax raise itself above him who swings it, or the saw boast against him who uses it?"
Been logging on to joyce meyer's daily broadcasting... its' like a daily dose to keep me going !
http://www.joycemeyer.org/cgi-bin/jmm_cgi/temp/index.plx
reading my EU sheets, but hardly finishing... but i will, or i have to, coz assignments due.
so, here's a lab report and some assignments to make their entrance in my holidays !
Today ( or ytdy to be exact ) i started playing the piano for at least an hour !!! gee, i'm so proud of myself ( n thkful to god too... been praying about this ) !!! after i stopped my lessons, there has been such reluctance fr my self to get started... i mean i love it, but...feel like old rustie car here.
the momentum....
caught up with an old friend, called some friends up ( sometimes i wonder y i'm always initiating the phone to some friends ( like after so many years ! sobs... maybe they mite argue how come i'm absent on hangouts. oh well...) corresponding with few oldies with email...
managed to buy some ancient belated b'day gifts and christmas pressy to friends
a new year ticket for parking at the yellow line for 5 mins. Hey, i was just peering out of the shop when he come... nopes, he din spare me. " encik, saya baru park, boleh saya park tempat lain? pegi beli brg, dah tulis". The clerk at the council halften? the fine though. :)
This is to remind the blur me how i spent this week coz i can't recalled how i spent my lst...
Morning finds me refusing to greet the sun, but still made it around 10am to catch Sesame street. It's like my morning appetizer, and 9pm's My wife and Kids (Disney channel) -my dessert.
Been reading the book of Isaiah... it paints such pretty figuratives. Just love the way he describe stuffs " as strong as oaks of Bashan, cedars of labanon", or concerning Assyria " does the ax raise itself above him who swings it, or the saw boast against him who uses it?"
Been logging on to joyce meyer's daily broadcasting... its' like a daily dose to keep me going !
http://www.joycemeyer.org/cgi-bin/jmm_cgi/temp/index.plx
reading my EU sheets, but hardly finishing... but i will, or i have to, coz assignments due.
so, here's a lab report and some assignments to make their entrance in my holidays !
Today ( or ytdy to be exact ) i started playing the piano for at least an hour !!! gee, i'm so proud of myself ( n thkful to god too... been praying about this ) !!! after i stopped my lessons, there has been such reluctance fr my self to get started... i mean i love it, but...feel like old rustie car here.
the momentum....
caught up with an old friend, called some friends up ( sometimes i wonder y i'm always initiating the phone to some friends ( like after so many years ! sobs... maybe they mite argue how come i'm absent on hangouts. oh well...) corresponding with few oldies with email...
managed to buy some ancient belated b'day gifts and christmas pressy to friends
a new year ticket for parking at the yellow line for 5 mins. Hey, i was just peering out of the shop when he come... nopes, he din spare me. " encik, saya baru park, boleh saya park tempat lain? pegi beli brg, dah tulis". The clerk at the council halften? the fine though. :)
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