world of impressionist

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Water Lilies (1914-17) ______Red Boats, Argenteuil (1875)

A friend brought me a set of Monet's in calender on my b'day. 5 yrs ago...

The impressionist so received their signature style from a critic who taunted Monet's "Impression: Sunrise" that wallpapers looked more finished than this piece and called the entire french painters display as the exhibition of the impressionists.

I love the impressionist. there's something about their art that's subtly evocative and formlessly beautiful. it's not about the cathedral they paint, but the dusky grotesque mist, it's not about the pagodas they're composing, but lights shimmering through the pagodas roof, and sounds of gongs ringing thru'...

Am currently listening to Ravel's Ma mere l'Oyre (Mother Goose), the orchestral version. It was originally a set of piano duet written for two children. I am particularly intrigued by "Little Ugly Girl, Empress of the Pagodas"- love the chinese temple ambience with some cute melody lines ringing thru'. "The Fairy Garden" is enchanting yet inviting.

Well, entering the impressionist world helps me to get away from myself (and others ;p) for a while...meanwhile, am anticipating spanish music at the end of the week... my last ticket for my own concert spree

thanksgiving

Well,

Flying to KB laters. My flight has been delayed. Amidst my anxiety and worries (like two ol' couples that's always accompanying me), God's GRACE shone brighter..

I was worried about transportation and logistic in Kelantan. (this time i dont' feel as brave as i was in penang. The thought of waiting for ghost buses freaked me). The hostel manager which i arranged to stay in haven't replied me, what more on Saturday - hello, who's working? (their Sat is our Sun). But last min (as usual, my fault) my mom called uncle S (our church's tour agent)for SOS - he arranged for a house, transport and a family (his relatives) for me.

yay !!

Am also thankful for the Yong sisters for taking me under their care in Ipoh. I sampled some of the best food there-hakka mee, fried noodles, bean sprouts... Anyways, i went there to watch a speech therapist at work. I am so touched by EN's dedication and passion for the children under her care... think i was more 'woa-ed' by her than imagining myself in her shoe.

Next...

the feelings of incompetency is overwhelming me again. i duno why. i don't feel this way as a student. one short mistake (or due to miscommunication) sends me nuts. i feel that i'm constantly 'short of...'

Maybe

I need to put God's goodness as the foundation which I stand. Perhaps I have relied too much on own my own effort. Perhaps I need to adjust to the non-textbook environment and realize that life is beyond the grasp of my palms. It follows no words.

There is no king saved by the multitude of a host,
a mighty man is not delivered by much strength.
A horse is a vain thing for safety,
neither shall he deliver any by his great strength.
Behold, the eye of the LORD is upon them that fear him,
upon them that hope in his mercy;
to deliver their soul from death,
and to keep them alive in famine.
Our soul waiteth for the LORD:
he is our help and our shield.

psalms 33 : 16-20

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Here's a psalm written by a nation surrounded by 2 great forces. Their identity they derived from being God's children.

lil things

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Could we with ink the ocean fill,

And were the skies of parchment made,

Were every stalk on earth a quill,

And every man a scribe by trade,

To write the love of God above,

Would drain the ocean dry.

Nor could the scroll contain the whole,

Though stretched from sky to sky.

The Love of God, written by Frederick Lehman. This stanza was taken from a poem scribbled on the wall of a Jewish patient commited to mental asylum.* it's amazing how God's love reaches the most imaginable and unloved.

Twice I sang this song during prayer meeting in my office. I was captured by the beautiful lyrics used to describe God's love. And i wonder...

How we love God...doing the typical churchy stuffs - church on sunday, daily devotion and leaving some bits for ministry. Such lines describing God's charity goes beyond our will or mind. u can't just pen it by choice. it has to flow out of the heart... a heart soaked with a deep flavor of god's goodness...

And i asked how can i experience such love? I know that He loves me, but the concerns of life choke my heart from hearing...

then i remembered the sunflowers i drew... layers upon layers of marigold yellows cupped by layers by layers of grass green calyx, and i thought, "there's alot of fine attention just to create it?" and my heart spoke, "God is into the details of my life ain't it?" every day and every strand of my hair has been counted by his love...

and i slept embracing that love. Like how a kid would hug his new precious toy-car in bed, not letting it go, consumed by thoughts of how he'll like to play with his toy tmr... a new found excitement...

my maker is concern about the lil things of me...

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*to be exact, he re-painted this poem from a centuries old Jewish poem called "Hadamut," written in 1096 by Rabbi Mayer, son of a cantor in the city of Worms, Germany. click

captain ball

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the author decided to remove the post coz she felt tat others mite not like to be written about. but ya, she jst wanna say she had fun on the field on sunday with a bunch of great ppl. :)

stray

i felt strayed in penang this round...
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houses around komtar

odd ones

old old houses

lonely wait

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My last trip was exciting. But this time i felt so paria without a car and direction. Like a stray girl wondering around in a foreign town. I'd to blinked at taxis or negotiate with kereta sapu & prayed for buses. Either alternatives has it's own risks. Bus mite not come, kereta sapu mite leave, taxi drivers will rob u (by your permission).

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Take going to Queensbay mall for instance, from USM, i took a bus to bkt jambi. Didn't feel i fit in there, so i took another bus to Queensbay mall. (actually, i din know where i wanted to go, simply popped a name- wherever the bus would take me. On few occassions, i even asked the bus driver to tolong beri tau saya bila sampai). So ya, imagined being dropped off at a free way. Crossed 7 car lanes to Queensbay. (Any sane mummy would forbid their kid so).

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There weren't any public bus service at Queensbay. Save ludicrous taxis again. (Rm 25 were the starting rate, even if your destination is 7-15 mins away). No kereta sapu this time. So i actually walked a few miles down to sg nibung bas terminal. thx God the bus came. I got off at jelutong (bus-stop at pic above) where my host picked me up.

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some jottings over the week :

- dropped a pencil inside my piano keys.

- my car got splattered with paint. thx god for my colleagues who fought for me. i was in freeze mode. thx god the paint was water base.
- komtar's like dead. however i'd feast of the eye. saw an old chinese couple holding hands there, a madman flinging some junks at pedestrians, trishaws, tourists...

- in both of my flights, i got the whole row reserved jst for myself. (plane's rather empty)

- penangites are mostly helpful when i asked for directions. Busy shopowners, counter girls, bussengers...

- it's good to have friends. I made one in my taklimat over USM. She came from a mixed parentage of malay & chinese. Was very curious about my religion. She's got some cousins who are christians.

- when i was waiting, like waiting, really waiting for bus (if there's any?), i half wished i'd be kidnapped home. now i'm starting to appreciate certain dark green cab, even though i din call for it. ;p

- i'm asking myself if time = pennies, how wd i invest it in? i gota be intentional about the things i'd wan to do. otherwise, i'll be jst trailing along... i guess i'd like to blame the uncertainties...but i can't.

- i'm tired of keeping the frills. kinda like things simple.

- a man of the northern thai hill tribe needed 1000 baht to send his son to school. he din have the money. So he prayed. Just b4 registration, he caught 2 big fishes at a lake, weighing about 7kg which he sold at 500 baht each. I saw the fish pic ! taken by my host who's active in missions among the thai bei hill tribes.

weirdings

Ok, so i was tagged by hl to write on my weirdings :

6 weirdings by el'z :

1. the right upper half of my sensory-motor nerves are neglected.
i chew on the left jaw. watch with my left eye. hand the phone over to my left ear. misses most of my right shots. yet i'm RH. most of the time i'm just confused between the two.

2. i can't make up my mind about what to eat.
it came to the point that food suddenly appeared on my table without me ordering it - ppl just order them for me instead. hope that indecisiveness doesn't extend to other areas. u know, like julia roberts in runaway bride? ;p

3. i'm usually the last kid on the block to notice who's with who.
like, one yr later... i was also named miss blur no.1. read here.

4. i love the smell of tobacco
i've got tobacco flavored perfume and some tobacco ashes on my bag to make me feel refresh

5. I sleep and wake up in stages... i work in momentum
u can catch me in pig mode or workoholic mode at diff season in life.

6. when i feel stressed out, i'll start to scribble nonsense over my wall
so that's why nobody's allowed in my room. too much abstract art. oh oo..

Well, that's me for now. but i'm sure the list is longer...since what's normal to me mite be off for them. btw, 4 & 6 are false. any other weird stuffs commited by me ??

once upon penang

life is about remembering and forgetting...

f komtar*

fffe

Returning to the place that bore me at the very hour where I was deciding for my future was prophetic. See, this is my first time touring alone - to my birth place - for interview to go away. It was like freeing myself from the umbilical cord. most ppl took their pilgrimage way earlier thgh... :)

Penang hill
After my interview, I took the cable car to the peak. Wanted to hike up, but someone warned me earlier that i was a girl. Penang was lovely from top. I could see the long stretch of Penang bridge. The neighbouring land didn't look that far. Think the island grew. I am glad to see a few lumps of unstripped hills though the land were laid with brown roofs. And tall rectangles (hotels, apartments) sheltered the beach side.

Walked to Methodist centre. It's about 700-800m away from the tourist spot. After trotting 50ms on a lonely path dotted with butterflies (they have intricate batik printed wings. I think the government painted em' to attract tourist), mom called. Go back said her. So ended my solo journey.

cable car in Penang Hills back in 80s fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

swinging myself at methodist centre. (recall the prev post with me on swing? i started young ;p)

Ayer itam
The taxi's price is nonsense at Penang hill. So walked me to ayer item town instead. With a partial map & hp as my assistants, I headed towards the intimidating Kek Lok Si temple, wanted to sample food at the famous market here. But halfway through (bit lost also), I spotted a few busses and hopped in quickly (the bus would wait till it's full before they move). "To Komtar I go" said I. Suddenly my host called and hijacked my trip. Home I went.

Why do all the caring people have to destroy my adventure? I stayed with an old couple who pastored my family church in penang. They're nice.

Batu Ferringgi
Next day I took kereta sapu (rm 5) to komtar. Was I to ask for bus-stands, the Penangites would suggest that I walk instead. (komtar = puduraya; most bus-stop seldom work thgh). From there I traveled on to Batu Ferringgi. Penang is... Hong Kong-style flats, Old straits-like terrace houses with wooden silted windows, british colonial mansions, suave hotels & condos... a medley of architectures & culture squeezed in an island. You’ll also find churches, temples, idols –at every nook and crook of the street.

It was 2 in the afternoon when I hit Golden Sands. A stretch of white flour, ang mos & water sports sellers I descried. The beach was too sunny for a sight and the sand too hot for a stroll. Met up with a friend there. (Well, one good reason for joining i-bridge ;p). We trashed into Rasa Sayang. Btw, the rates start with 4 digits. The security guards could tell that we were non-guests. Rights... Laters, we went on a eating spree & i'd a free tour around Penang.

cendol, laksa, oo-jian, lok-lok, kuey teow teng, wan tan mee, prawn mee, otak-otak, apung --> went into my stomach at penang.

birth of the maestros (or so my parents tot).

ffffff lil' big bro @ botanical gardens
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p.s - dad took the camera. No photos :( took the komtar pic fr a postcard n edited it in photoshop p.p.s - You can board star shuttle fr sbg parade straight to lcct. It's only rm 9 !! p.p.s - tmnet finally mended my slow connection probs. after 3 calls... blogspot kept eating my paragaphs and pics ! technologies. i love and loathe thee.

garden on fences

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rows of sunflower

pink roses

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Some of the flowers that we hanged on the fence. They greet me when i enter the gate. But nowadays i see them when they're asleep. Don't know what's their name. So I labeled them according to the common flowers ;p I spent quite alot of time shooting my garden during my final yr - jobless period. Oh boy will i miss this sight... if i go.

mid april

the wry'ly part of my life now is that here i am scouting for resources to pursue my studies, at work, i am searching for avenues for my company too...

i feel trapped in both situation. Duno is an cheap answer so says a friend. how how..

meanwhile, i just started a site for my art. some sprinkles in life to make me happy.

good friday

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last leaf of fall against a promising blue sky... it's good friday.

i have been hiding for a while. seen outside, but i just can't tell the shapes of days or faces. Am merely walking endlessly... like the last journey back from nuang (tracked up hulu langat). I tried running , but can't find the end of road. surprised that the ppl i left behind caught up with me. i ran, they walked (i stopped abit la). but how ah?

jst when easter's approaching, i felt a pinch of sun beam. an old friend's conversion and rach's good friday post... memories... i started to remember how friday was. we were anticipating for cg. jst expecting something to happen. that was in secondary school. i remember once we were talking about grace during word. I shared bit about certain churches giving out free coke or free car wash jst to demonstrate how truly free grace was. no bonds.

So we decided to do that as a cg in usaha (Jo-leon-terk-sel-rac's class). Jo boiled sausages, Rach brought jelly beans (it's nestle's)... We passed free food. Our guys ffk and ran to the canteen instead. (that explain why up till now we din like any of the boys fr our cg. just kiddin') It was bit scary then, passing free food out to friends. Why? Oh. no occasion. Jo was the only one that dared to give the reason, "oh yeah, we were sharing about God's grace in cg and how Jesus died for us freely". I remember she used the "God" and "Jesus" word so carelessly... u know how we tried to 'polish up' our sharing to non christians sometimes? Not Jo. I guess that's how she brought so many of her friends to Christ. Now she's married. 1+1> kids up in states. Never did we see that coming. miss her la...

I miss cg then... i miss loving our cg...i miss being busy for church or rushing jst to get in time for cg... i miss being hopelessly devoted to Him... i miss being simple...

"thanks for reminding me of the good times i had. it wasn't glamorous. but it was meaningful. it was what i could remember, and hope to remember life to be..."

thanks rac...

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*image taken without permission fr somewhere i wic forgot

happy days

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me on swing

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I used to swing myself really high up and feel as if i was part of the sky. Sometimes I imagined I would make a loop with the swing. Unfortunately gravity beat me first.

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Swing sailing, monkey-baring, bed-jumping... those were the happy days in life. I used to be a kid. Now i'm stucked in transition. So many unanswered question.

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The only certainty I hold now is that He is my shepherd. He will guide me. I pray.

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"And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee" Psalm 9: 10

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What is His name? "I AM"

I AM is like an unfinished name of God, a blank paper given to us to be filled up with whatever we desire or need.*

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* Smith, Hannah Whitall. 1984, Living Confidently. Whitaker House, Pennsylvania. A huge centipede flew out fr this bk b4 my interview ytdy. my heart beat tripled. I was jst flipping the book to seek comfort. thx to my mdm boss! she placed her 'toy' between the pages. Laters, her p.a. called to ask whether i have seen it. told mdm boss I accidently flung it away while being shocked... tmr the centipede will crawl back by itself thgh.=p

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**thx Pat for the pics. This shot's taken in PD, tractor's restplace during my church retreat last week. My first piece with photoshop.

lessons on women

Some formulas to better understand us...

march

Happenings..

1. So i spent cny in Jakarta and came back with a blast with the toilet... been bombing the toilet every now and then. urgh.

2. march sees me starting my new job in FES. I really am clueless about what to expect. But i do hope to put my heart into it and worry less about my capabilities.

Ppl

1. Came to learn alot fr my friend E'za (my generous Indon friend) who's so simple and trusting. Here's a girl who have seen the 98' issue in Jakarta and shared about how God helped her escaped in time while the riot troops marched pass her office... married a Malaysian who shares almost everything opposite of her taste and personality... well, they love each other, but i think it helps with her easily adaptable nature and an attitude of facing differences as challenges...

2. Sel - came to grow close to her during my 'holiday' season. Apart from having to listen to G & B all over again, I just got so friend with her. Sel loves to bake and cook and invite her friends over. (She's next after Nigella). She's so handy she's got a gift for every problem you're facing- CD and card when ur down, book when you're confused, another book for...etc

3. My online friends. Fancy how some ppl get to chat that often while they're working. Really keeps my world bit brighter (& wider too) while staying at home.

Songs

1. Cinta pertama by Bunga. Top the charts in Indon. Heard it in Jakarta. She's really good.

2. Amazing Grace. Need to remind myself of this.

sorry

sorry...

for all wrongs i have done and rights undone.

somehow over these few days i felt flooded with guilt for the unkind things done and said.. flooded with questions without answers...

:((

overheard in a sermon that if your feelings contradict God's word, follow His word. I want to live each day beyond feelings and circumstances...believing and trusting... help me please?

"The lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love" Psa 145: 8

undone

My old workplace was like the hardest & yet sweetest experience in life.

4 months, yet...

am still keeping in touch with some of my colleague...
my heart breaks everytime my students email me of ' i-miss-us' or even wondering when would i be back again.

I feel like an irresponsible parent that simply abandone her kids... ouch. life subjects are the toughest to deal with hur.

Went back to school to pass chinese new year cards to friends and ex classes just now... and all my ex students ran out of their classes to greet me. Felt like a celebrity ! but I was too guilt-striken to stay long.

sighs. Why?

miss u all too... am sorry.

pockets of happy things

"expect good things fr God"

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well, just when i decided to take a lil break fr thinking (more like worrying) about my future, rays of happy things shine thru' my heart.

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firstly, my cousin dropped by my house like a gift. She made a pit-stop here fr Oz before returning up north. She brought me tim-tams, honey and sparkles of joy (i miss her simple chatty nature. Ah, she says the sweetest things ! whoever marry her will be a darn lucky chap).

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Mummy promised me a dress for CNY. Saw one brought one ! well, dresses are in this season for a good bargain. Am looking for a casual summer one (ahem. another one). Well, looking at dresses makes me happy :) JM says shopping can cure depression.

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CNY. well, the ambience and heat seems to invite cny into my heart. Perhaps i have taken cny for granted. After the first leap of joy for flying elsewhere for a holiday subsided... i regret at the thought of not being able to go back alor star. I am starting to miss seeing grandma and aunty.

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I'll miss flipping open tins of cookies, buying kuihs and noodles at the morning market, watching chinese blockbusters movies at nite, complaining about the stuffy and hot afternoons, mosquitoes (in abundance, coz of the surrounding padi fields, but they don't cause disease)...

I will miss the morning 'tai chi' that would never fail to wake me up at dawn, lil children popping fire crackers and sudden blasts of fire bombs (opposite grandma's house is a basketball court/playground), I will miss the host of stars that would blinked at me during a clear night.

And i will miss the poh-pias for our cny eve dinner. Or steamboat some times...

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sob sob sob... why did i chose to go elsewhere instd? guess i felt that cny wd be the same, since it's the same every other yr. Plus of late i was the only grandchild that returned (the host family wd be in their maternal's grandma's side), so it felt a little lonely at times. but now i am missing it.

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Ok, it's a happy title...i be going to jakarta. My trip's half sponsored. Yay? Jst a few days ago my friend told me Jakarta was in drought. I remember praying for rain. now it's flooded. sigh. Well, i can swim ;p

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I brought a first-day cover of M'sian's marine life today !!

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And today i finished up "Beauty" fr Robin Mckinley. It's a retelling of "Beauty and Beast". It gets tedious with her long descriptions on scenaries and mundane life. The exciting ventures were short. But at least, i had some sense of adventure replanted back. I dreamed of my own adventure up above a roof, that led to some secret pathway which cobsweb served as my ladder. My dreams are usually fear-filled. But this one glazed me with braveness.

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"worry is a fear that we won't get what we want. Only God has the answer, so refuse to live in worry' -JM

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Happy Chinese New Year !!

where?

" God made the universe"

L.O.S.T in the arms of lostness...
is like being held in twirls...

once a while, it ain't matter...
to be lost

coz u know He's watching
fr above

but if the stars refuse to twinkle
and the moon frowns

the poles and pillars...
they moved

then you have only its arms
to hold

twist & twirl... twist & twirl

p.s- saw a bumper sticker that says "God made everything"... well, sometimes it's hard to understand, n harder to trust...with jst His words as yr torch. But i thx God for the good life He has given me...n i thx Him ahead of things i do not know... b'coz He first chose me & He knows...

Casino Royale

--Casino Royale --

...of trust, betrayal and vulnerability...

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p.s- i was mesmerized by her beauty (or was it her airs? something unobxiously concealed in her light hearted-ness), and decided to do a sketch on her... well, after much editing, here u have her. Hope she looks like her? bit skinny though. how about her twin? ;p
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challenge your fears

fear... is like my first few companion when it comes to trying out new stuffs. I hope i ditch u in no time.

I've met ppl who would purposely try out things they are afraid of just to challenge their fears...
connecting it to famous courage quotes*, I think i should make it my 'thing' to do for 2007 - trying out things i'm afraid of... coz u'd never know what's beyond your fears unless u tried. even once. At the same time, once u've overcome one fear hurdle, your 'inner self' would learn confidence, which makes other attempts less fearful... like a spiral effect.

So what r my fears ?

1. being away fr home all alone
do i have to overcome this fear? maybe i sd go sign up for a >1 week camp somewhere

2. venturing into unfamiliar social territories
better now. funny thing is i'm not afraid to talk to new ppl... think i almost cried when mom made me joined Hen's youth group (that time cbc was his church, i was churched in a church down the road)... i was 12 then. thk God for Ben, Esther, Sharon, Ee Mei... think they were the first few angels that flew out the door to 'invite' me in...coz i ran away. but i guess God can always turn our fear experience into a blessing, b'coz i would have not been able to relate to newcomers fear if i've not felt it myself...and make em' feel welcome in return (i hope they do).

3. fighting my way in the corporate world
never dream of climbing the corporate ladder. not b'coz of my noble convictions, but think i'm more of a hobbyist...like to have my own sweet time... if i can make a career out of the things i like, wouldn't that be great? but i really do respect those who made it big out there.

4. stage fright

5. getting married
jst kidding.... :P i'm afraid of changes though. Lately, it strucked on me that i'm growing older (although i lied to myself otherwise), and i'm only given one moment in the eternal time frame to live. Ppl & circumstances will fly me by, but i have to be intentional about the purposes or dreams that God has seeded in me... else it'll jst remain as seeds. sprout !

6.7.8....etc...


*"courage is not the absence of fear but the mastery over it"
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. ~Ambrose Redmoon

p.s- meanwhile i've been really worried about my future... although it's stew-pik to think so much n have no answers. my fearful question to face wd be ' so, what r u doing now?'

there's something

there's something sweet, inviting yet faraway...

about David Benoit's dad's room (fr his Professional Dreamer's album. what a name)... wonder whether he's writing fr a nostalgic point of view... like visiting his old house which he grew up...walking to a room where dad used to be... probably a room where his dad did his hobby... which he stood at the door silently observing his dad... in child-like awe...

i wonder how's his dad like...

i ponder on how it feels like to be a kid again... to be awe-struck at the bigger ppl...

i am still amazed at how ppl made it out there...still being wrapped up in my comforts... or perhaps fear...

i pray i would not be afraid again...

b'coz i have an awesome Father