Casino Royale

--Casino Royale --

...of trust, betrayal and vulnerability...

g

g

p.s- i was mesmerized by her beauty (or was it her airs? something unobxiously concealed in her light hearted-ness), and decided to do a sketch on her... well, after much editing, here u have her. Hope she looks like her? bit skinny though. how about her twin? ;p
g
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challenge your fears

fear... is like my first few companion when it comes to trying out new stuffs. I hope i ditch u in no time.

I've met ppl who would purposely try out things they are afraid of just to challenge their fears...
connecting it to famous courage quotes*, I think i should make it my 'thing' to do for 2007 - trying out things i'm afraid of... coz u'd never know what's beyond your fears unless u tried. even once. At the same time, once u've overcome one fear hurdle, your 'inner self' would learn confidence, which makes other attempts less fearful... like a spiral effect.

So what r my fears ?

1. being away fr home all alone
do i have to overcome this fear? maybe i sd go sign up for a >1 week camp somewhere

2. venturing into unfamiliar social territories
better now. funny thing is i'm not afraid to talk to new ppl... think i almost cried when mom made me joined Hen's youth group (that time cbc was his church, i was churched in a church down the road)... i was 12 then. thk God for Ben, Esther, Sharon, Ee Mei... think they were the first few angels that flew out the door to 'invite' me in...coz i ran away. but i guess God can always turn our fear experience into a blessing, b'coz i would have not been able to relate to newcomers fear if i've not felt it myself...and make em' feel welcome in return (i hope they do).

3. fighting my way in the corporate world
never dream of climbing the corporate ladder. not b'coz of my noble convictions, but think i'm more of a hobbyist...like to have my own sweet time... if i can make a career out of the things i like, wouldn't that be great? but i really do respect those who made it big out there.

4. stage fright

5. getting married
jst kidding.... :P i'm afraid of changes though. Lately, it strucked on me that i'm growing older (although i lied to myself otherwise), and i'm only given one moment in the eternal time frame to live. Ppl & circumstances will fly me by, but i have to be intentional about the purposes or dreams that God has seeded in me... else it'll jst remain as seeds. sprout !

6.7.8....etc...


*"courage is not the absence of fear but the mastery over it"
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. ~Ambrose Redmoon

p.s- meanwhile i've been really worried about my future... although it's stew-pik to think so much n have no answers. my fearful question to face wd be ' so, what r u doing now?'

there's something

there's something sweet, inviting yet faraway...

about David Benoit's dad's room (fr his Professional Dreamer's album. what a name)... wonder whether he's writing fr a nostalgic point of view... like visiting his old house which he grew up...walking to a room where dad used to be... probably a room where his dad did his hobby... which he stood at the door silently observing his dad... in child-like awe...

i wonder how's his dad like...

i ponder on how it feels like to be a kid again... to be awe-struck at the bigger ppl...

i am still amazed at how ppl made it out there...still being wrapped up in my comforts... or perhaps fear...

i pray i would not be afraid again...

b'coz i have an awesome Father

nuggets

Every decision you make is a seed you sow*


Whatever you focus on will expand*
ponder about what you can do, not what you can't,
let the good things in life be bigger than the sad ones
seek out the good in others


What are you doing with what you have?*
not much? nothing gets better


*Joyce Meyers
*Andrew Matthews - follow your heart

ebbing & emerging tides

2006 was soaked with many different tides...

high tides...

graduating (Aug)

rekindling my old hobbies: diving (rusted for 5 yrs), drawing (rusted for 8 yrs)

meeting my stars live: Joyce Meyers (Jan 06), Kristian Zimmermann (July 06), Fourplay (Aug 06)

making new friends : fr camp n work (to wic many of em' i'm grateful and indebted to)

went to : Klang Gates, HK, Perhentian, Redang, Nuang, Lepoh, S'pore. (*woa me* arranged chronologically starting fr latest. Each place slabs in a piece of memory if its kind)

Got a new job (Aug)

low tides...

getting older (argh)

quit my job...

saying goodbye to a friend... who has won my heart over...
he was so sure about me n proved himself by his sacrifice & service, finds out the things & food that i like and went e extra mile to get em' for me, accompanies me to places that i like even though he's not interested, says the sweetest things... kinda hard not to like someone who took so much effort jst to win you over hur...but i wasn't sure about my future with him... our priorities n lifestyles doesn't seems to match...
why does it feels so bad trying to make right choices in life? :((

upcoming tides...

going back to ministry again.
which i was running away from for a long time, guess there were loads of dissapointments buried in...but i'd also came to realized like what pro 20:5 says of the deep purposes of a man's heart... that hidden within me are many desires and dreams that were tie to Him as well...

be excited and passionate about life
Jer 29 : 5,7

intertidal zone
I really am not prepared to go overseas for so many yrs... there's so much bout my family, my friends and even this country itself that i've grown fond of...i don't want to be away... yet the course that i want to study is not found here...

i've come to see myself changed fr someone who's sure-footed to being fickle-minded...well, it's just that things are not as simple as they seemed and i'm taking alot of things into consideration, since i'm presented with decisions... (so u'd understand if ur living on the edge... read somewhere that ppl changed e most at 20-30)... but at the end of the day it boils down to ->what do you want in life? And once you've got that figure out, you've got to dogged twds it.

blowing bubbles

few things i jst realized about myself..

1. i dun like being home alone !!!
i kinda consider myself to be like Mole (The Wind in the Willows), prefering solitude than the crowd, some times i accidently dessert my phone too... but being at home when everyone's away's not fun... maybe i'm a family and housey person.

2. boredom's a sin to me...
ya, prank rates increase proportionately with bore levels... jst to unbore myself...otherwise i would just go sleep...

3. i am so not independent...
and i used to think i was... not till someone pointed out that i'm like a kid who needs to be taken care of (and entertained too hur)... well, i'm fine going to concerts or kl alone... ?? but i realized i depended alot on my family to help me make decisions (or make em' for me), buy me lunch or dinner...(should be the other way, but...hehe). Worst still, i call em' while they're working to ask for help... fancy why they entertain me...

4. i work by momentum
big resistence to get me started, but once i'm on the go tis hard to stop. Once i've stopped, it's hard to start too...

hmm...wonder whether some things need changing...

december

it's cold enough to snow

Where did summer go?
How'd I miss the change of seasons
All at once the wind blows rough
It's cold enough to snow

In the street below
People laugh, they got no reason
Don't they know its cold enough to snow?

Now the sun can't shine
If it wants to fine
But its cold enough to snow

~sang by Jennifer Warnes. abridge version
~Music by Alan menken & Stephen Schwartz

if

if...

if we don't ever take chances,
we won't reach the rainbows

if we don't ever search,
we'll never be able to find

If we don't attempt to get over our doubts and fears,
we'll never discover how wonderful it is to live without them

if we don't go beyond difficulty,
we won't grow any stronger.

if we don't keep our dreams alive,
we won't have our dreams any longer.

but...

if we can take a chance now and then,
seek and search, discover and dream,

grow and go through each day with the knowledge that
we can only take as much as we can give,

and we can only get as much out of life
as we allow ourselves to live...

then...

we can be truly happy.

we can realize a dream or two along the way,
and we can make a habit of reaching for rainbows

and coloring our lives with
... wonderful days

~Collin McCarty

...brought this book of poems fr pay less books warehouse sale on sat. thx to pek n cd. meanwhile, i realised someone has a fetish for forbidden fruits ;)
...been giving a bit unto books n clothes, well too bad it's winter attire in hk, else m'sia mite be bit poorer... but i came back with extra notes in my pocket. thx to my real generous aunt....maybe i sd post a chritmas wix list out, who knows santa mite read it. not been a good girl though... more like a lost girl :(
...meanwhile, really sorry to jin n sel for dropping yr comments along with my prev post. figure out i'd keep it safe in the closet instd. ;p

faltering steps?

my mind and heart are in forks...

just when i hand in my resignation letter, my heart feels like tieing itself down.

my kids and their pleading face... (din realize i've made a way into the lil kids heart (ok some), and imagine the seeds that i could have sown if i'd stay. it's like falling in love with someone you din plan to live with. workwise. *ahem*)
my assitant principal's word of affirmations...

were like a sudden effusion of "light". just discovered i had lived in a distorted version of the story...

but i've made a decision...

i can't turn back, else i be walking on faltering steps...

will find a project or further my studies locally first... that's what i've always wanted to do, just that i hanged my hope too high about going overseas to study... chances are that doorway may be closed, and i've to make some ground plans too.

the only set back is that the course of my interest is rarely offered here, so am praying for subsidairy titles of my interest or or something related...

knowing me, i get sucked into the things i like, while i almost score the lowest for the subjects i dislike... research (my line) here is mostly about cancer or disease (which is kinda depressing for me), maybe coz there's where the funding goes..

so yes, pray for a good professor, good title or that God will change my heart to see that the world's not so perfect, and that i'll have to make do with that "as good as it gets"...?

oh God, what's the real story ?

one chapter

so there, one chapter of my life closed today !

"at least u dun have to deal with the sense of gaucheness anymore !"- Rach
thanks for painting it in such a great perspective !

say hello to holidays !!!

gonna really miss the kids though :(

can't slug a girl

a

"why be equal when u can be superior ?" answer to feminism ;p **
a

a

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* taken without permission fr snoops

**A. jo's adage !

pause

stop running girl, where u going ?

life sees me hastily flipping thru its' pages that i forgot to listen to my heart... drilling holes at work, or burying myself with my studies... until my heart started protesting for a halt.

So i paused, and...

i realized that my present job and i fit rather incongruently. Although in daylight i'm pretty much on the go...but as the noir creeps over, my heart feels overwhelmed : the inaptness and noise... probably my high scores for introvertness and low scores for class-control jst doesn't suit this scene...

ish... i feel like a wimp... :/

kinda take pride in finding the alternatives to solving things, and now my creative ways to control class jst don't seemed to work. maybe i'm trying too hard...

also, it din hit on me until someone pointed out that my current subject of study has been like a thin string which i hanged my hopes on... i'm clinching too tight to it...

So i'm taking a short interlude...

to listen to the voice of my heart... and ask myself "is this what i really want in life?"

i guess all the while i've been pre-occupied with studying, and more study to go... suddenly life throws itself at me and say choose where u want to go...

the azure horizon and answers to search for... at least i discover something here :)

milk & cornflakes

"A twinkle in the eye means joy in the heart, and good news makes you feel fit as a fiddle." Pro 15: 30 (The message);

...good news nourishes the bones (Amplified bible)

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October

f

one good thing to look forward to is the raya holidays ! I've got one week break !! interminable rest...

fdfd

another great news was that our church collected ~3k to send our pastor n wife on a vacation !!! his 40th birthday gift !

fdfd

At cg, when we were throwing ideas for ps Mal's birthday gift. The cruise/trip idea burgeoned, more like a romantic whim than something we ratiocinate over --> the proposal emailed to other shepherds --> money being collected fr cgs --> an envelope passed around during Sun service (the contents soon outgrew the envelope [the size reflects ones faith/expectency hur]. Anne replaced it with a paper bag) --> opening the bag to find it filled with 10s and 50s...(really exciting here)--> discussions on how to convert the cash to trip ==> gift certificate to hard rock bali (4D/3N) for two ! (uncle swa really poured his heart out to design the cert !)

fdf

woo hoo...

f

The irony was that the church-wide collection was borne out of miscommunication. Our cg tot we'd to come out with a gift on behalf of the church ! supposed to be on behalf of our cg only. So there, we boxed out of the box ! There were some misunderstanding in the process due to that, but in the end, ppl were being really supportive lah...

f

The surprising thing was that the amount far-exceeded our expectations ! initially some of us were questioning the magnanimity of ourselves...bargaining the ideas of cruise or trip down to gift vouchers or even a meal for two (ya, some ppl. rub rub)...

d

The amazing thing was seeing the At'son's droped (jaws) and leaped when it was announced ! Heard the last trip they went as a couple was their honeymoon in S'pore... Uma said she was praying for a trip for some time...

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i'm glad...

f

a little girl less than schooling age made my final great story for the day. She brought a RM10 note to church to put it into the offering bag. Told me it was her birthday gift (she called it b'day ang pow) given by her gong gong... (her dad wasn't even aware of it)... melt melt....

f
generosity, like cornflakes pouring down

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swamp

October begin me with much blunders... dank n cold, dank n cold
Here's something to wire back my mind to the original tangle...

l

l

Swamps of Home

I come from the land of the foggy, foggy dew.

Ooh-ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh!

Where walking through the meadow in the morning is like walking through glue!

fdf

The swamps of home are brushed with green and gold at break of day.

The swamps of home are lovely to behold from far away.

fdfd

In my soul is the beauty of the bog, in my memory the magic of the mud.

I know that blood is thicker than water but the swamps of home are thicker than blood.

f

Where e'er I roam my heart grows dank and cold,

my face grows gray when shadows fall and I hear the call…

of the swamps of home.

f

I hear them calling me now, calling me back, calling me Winnifred, Winnifred, Winnifred, Winnifred, who do you think you are? Girl of the swamp

1

You've gone to far!

Maid of the marshland, give up the struggle! Listen to the voice of the swamp;

gluggle-uggle-uggle

f

Where e'er I roam.

The whips of fate may smart, but deep down in my heart

one thought will abide and will ne'er be forgotten, though I search far and wide there is no land as rotten…

d

As the swamps of home.

dd;kl

g

~ Winnifred's part fr "Once upon a Mattress" ; Music by Mary Rodgers and Lyrics by Marshall Barer

j

j

"Once upon a Mattress" is such a quirky adaptation fr "the Princess and the Pea"... I'm an instant convert ! ... i promised to write a spoof on "Rapunzel" for E'ca to illustrate... but... can't seemed to squeeze any sauce out yet...

wanna go back to the "Swamps of Home"

moments

"what happened between being me and becoming you?" -Rusty, Disney's the Kid.

Russ, an urbane nearing 40 image consultant who spent his adult life washing out the child he used to be was visited by an 8-year old kid (Rusty), who turned out to be himself... looking at the kid-him made every fibre of his nerve itched to straighten himself (the kid) out... turned out Rusty came to unlocked his long-lost memory- that has defined who he is (now). That's Disney's the Kid which i've caught 3 times...

i love my childhood, but lost track of what happened in between after std 3 till...eh, till...(oh shush ! am still skipping) I remembered changing skol, and the new environment was foreign, so i busied myself growing up (ever since), hoping there be a handsome prince waiting for me when i wake up...(figuratively)

Well, now i'm here... and life aren't getting anyhow rosier...(ok, save campus years, which i mostly remember bouncing)

Anyways, going back to primary skol was like a journey of re-discovering my long lost-moments... like foraging thru a locked up treasure chest - i remembered being punished by my teachers (haha, & now i get to revenge back), pulling naughty tricks & teases, fond afternoons in playground, quiet time scribbling away, me & my piano- my world, sad & lonely times, long lost friends & moments with the Father ...and i felt a sense of thankfulness for the life that God has given me...(breathe)

"if little me came to visit me and ask how life will be, i'd say "Don't worry about a thing, life's going to be great" Theadore? Russ's friend: "after all, how many of us get to be an astronaut or a prima ballerina?"

Today at work, i had one of those heart-grabbing moments -->hearing stories from a few std 3 boys (i was relieving the class and gave them a choice to do their work or that)... i could see how happy (giglish) they were sharing their little world to me (although i mostly pretended to faham)...that reminded me of how i used to stay up with my cousins telling each other made-believe stories; a std 4 girl gave me a hug and tried to carry me up (clean & jerk, 3 times!!!)...which reminded me that i'm still quite a kid inside (taking the teacher role seems to put life at a different perspective; wonder whether that is how parenting was (is) to our parents- an unrest job until their kids turn out fine; i can't seem to pull off that 'teacher' cap)

uh hur?

"...a tendency to expect the best possible outcome, or to dwell on the most hopeful aspect of a situation" - American Heritage Dictionary

gfg

that's optimism with a gist of hopefulness. Yet, how often i overlooked that...1 NW remarked that we need to learn how to be optimistic in order to encourage others.2

fdfd

Absent-mindedness's like a funny bone of mine - you would never know when it would strike ! Yet it causes both entertainment and vexation at the same time. So, I've decided to learn more about it by picking up a book called " The Seven Sins of Memory" by Daniel Schacter.

fdfd

Tatiana Cooley, winner of U.S. National Memory Champion who have no problems recalling a deck of rearranged cards, profess herself to be incredibly absent-minded. She depends on "Post-its" to help her remember daily tasks too !

1

what a consolable news to me. :)

1

Absent-mindedness is different from transience (memory lost over time). While Cooley utilizes elaborative encoding techniques to help her commit to memory that vast amounts of info given (thereby fighting against memory lost); absent minded-ness on the other hand is a result of divided attention that causes infomation to be not encoded properly (if at all) or infomation that was stored but overlooked at the moment when it was needed.

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elaborative encoding -> memory stored ->remember;

divided attention (lapse in attention)-> memory not stored/not retrieved -> don't remember.

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For example, when mummy asked me to ran some errands while i was deep in thoughts, her words probably went along with the winds and was not wired-in my brains, that's why i couldn't recall. The second example would be when you reminded youself to drop by the post office during lunch to collect a parcel; yet you were pretty absorbed over some other matters over the day and totally forget to retrieve that info.

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Routine activities set our mind into an automatic cruise, which permits more space in our mind to focus on other more attention-consuming task. For instances, you can drive and talk on the phone at the same time, to find out later that you were travelling on your usual work route instd of the route you planned to take. The automatic cruise mode (analogous to divided attention) causes our minds to not elaborate on what's happening around us, therefore info was not encoded for rememberance.

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Biological wise, the lower left frontal region of our brains are involved in subsequent remembering or forgetting. Divided attention prevents that part to be fully activated (for elaborative encoding). If this region was not/minimally involved in encoding new infomation, absent minded would ensue.

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the remedy ?

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The author suggested using cues which is visible at the needed time with sufficient info to help us remember...

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more like using 'outside' help...wonder if there's any 'inside' job available... maybe i sd absorb to my surroundings abit more... the youngest in the family are claimed to be more absent-minded.3 So i guess i'm still part of the norm hur? but ya, gota learn to take things more 'heavily'.

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1. Rom 15:13

2. Norman Wright. (1998). Brothers & Sisters forever. Regal : California. pg 167.

3. " " pg 44.

4. Daniel Schacter. (2002). The Seven Sins of Memory. Houghton Mifflin : Boston. pg 41-60.

5. i wan to be well (getting much better now. Only my nose)... not fun being trapped at home for so longgg...

bugged by flu

this monster strain mutated and came back even more tougher..
i'm shivering in the morning, sweating at night,
coughing without stopping & my nose flowing in tides

the flu bug has been territorizing our house... first it's my bro, then me, then bro, back to me again(ever stronger)... Maybe we sould fumigate the house.
took MC today... longing for some sun beams and greeness...

slimey's hiding somewhere

growing up

" God would not put you through a trial without a purpose behind it" - Joel Osteen.

I seldom enjoy associating difficult events of my life as trials... because if i were to compare my life now to the early century christians, exams & work stress against persecution & fleeing are a luxury... so i tend to skip verses about trials/hardship in the bible... as if it's written for them or missionaries in middle east than me...

But working life's getting bit difficult for me to handle now, and so i'd like to claim these verses for myself.. or at least, i can have a better 'light' to illuminate upon my situation...

1 Peter 4: 12; James 1: 2-4.

I learn to grow up in this new episode. Growing to pick myself up really quick before i'm being weigh down by circumstances/ppl. Growing to see the 'i-don't-know-hows' as little nuggets to tackle than BIG goliath.

Although teaching little kids makes me feel rather underutilize... (yes, i love kids in general, so long as i don't have to discipline em' ;p) .. but there are some lessons which i learned in 'school'.

1st lesson> i have to draw the borders, else the little children will treat u like one of em'. (i think some of em' can't tell the difference). This will be a good training for me, coz i realize there are times i was pressured into decisions that i don't quite like because i wasn't sure-footed enough. Now i know i have more control than i allow myself to see. Or rather, i have to be in control (of my life), else i be controlled.

2nd lesson> i can't expect kids to know-how. I am given a chance to tell/educate them (or to repeat/ reinvent) until they get it. (ok not all will learn, but they say if u get 20% to listen to you in class, that's a pretty sucessful rate). Pretty similiar to dealing with adults in an organization i guess... of cause i can't appeal to them as a sage, but it helps to communicate out what's expected of a task or invite ppl to participate rather than assume that ppl would know how since they're grownups ? Same thing with marriage too i guess. Ppl come fr diff background with different expectations, hopes, values... and we can't expect our spouse to know what wd make us tick or itch. ( maybe this applies more to girls hur? coz i think alot of us expect the guys to 'sek zou'... some of us come with huge set of expectations... sigh. pity the guys...sometimes they're jst well-meaning but bit dense la)

3rd lesson> there is a gap of understanding between me and the kids... i think i have to adjust my communication style to relate to em'. Cause sometimes they don't speak adult langguage. Esp the belum-matang-lagi-boys in my std 5s n 6s. "teacher, why do i need to study?" Me : "actually, u don't have to. your parents are so darn rich, they're quite happy to give you what you want. At this age, you're asking for PS II or branded jeans which can be readily appeased than asking for cars or money to study overseas (which you would ask later). Since life is so easy for u, there's no pressure for you to grow up and think about goals in life to work towards it..." (jst kiddin'. i din say that to them ;p) I told the boys they need to fill their minds up cause girls don't like guys that are just cute. {since they're in the age where they've ady started to disturb girls (in ways that annoy em'), tot i mite use that to trick em' into studying?} And guess what? the girls in my class actually nod ?!! woo hoo... we're just destined to be wise fr the start. ;p

don't really

overwhelmed

don't feel too good about my new job :(

doesn't seem to make sense that i have to spend 1/4 of the time controlling the class just to start or resume lessons...a lesson of patience for myself? but these kids are sleek. They freeze when fierce teachers pass by. I guess they can tell when not fierce ones are pretending...

don't understand why i have to spend extra time 'helping' bigger kids who doesn't wanna be help.

Sigh

bed

exhaust pipe

cave

need a cave

una corda