good friday

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last leaf of fall against a promising blue sky... it's good friday.

i have been hiding for a while. seen outside, but i just can't tell the shapes of days or faces. Am merely walking endlessly... like the last journey back from nuang (tracked up hulu langat). I tried running , but can't find the end of road. surprised that the ppl i left behind caught up with me. i ran, they walked (i stopped abit la). but how ah?

jst when easter's approaching, i felt a pinch of sun beam. an old friend's conversion and rach's good friday post... memories... i started to remember how friday was. we were anticipating for cg. jst expecting something to happen. that was in secondary school. i remember once we were talking about grace during word. I shared bit about certain churches giving out free coke or free car wash jst to demonstrate how truly free grace was. no bonds.

So we decided to do that as a cg in usaha (Jo-leon-terk-sel-rac's class). Jo boiled sausages, Rach brought jelly beans (it's nestle's)... We passed free food. Our guys ffk and ran to the canteen instead. (that explain why up till now we din like any of the boys fr our cg. just kiddin') It was bit scary then, passing free food out to friends. Why? Oh. no occasion. Jo was the only one that dared to give the reason, "oh yeah, we were sharing about God's grace in cg and how Jesus died for us freely". I remember she used the "God" and "Jesus" word so carelessly... u know how we tried to 'polish up' our sharing to non christians sometimes? Not Jo. I guess that's how she brought so many of her friends to Christ. Now she's married. 1+1> kids up in states. Never did we see that coming. miss her la...

I miss cg then... i miss loving our cg...i miss being busy for church or rushing jst to get in time for cg... i miss being hopelessly devoted to Him... i miss being simple...

"thanks for reminding me of the good times i had. it wasn't glamorous. but it was meaningful. it was what i could remember, and hope to remember life to be..."

thanks rac...

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*image taken without permission fr somewhere i wic forgot

happy days

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me on swing

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I used to swing myself really high up and feel as if i was part of the sky. Sometimes I imagined I would make a loop with the swing. Unfortunately gravity beat me first.

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Swing sailing, monkey-baring, bed-jumping... those were the happy days in life. I used to be a kid. Now i'm stucked in transition. So many unanswered question.

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The only certainty I hold now is that He is my shepherd. He will guide me. I pray.

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"And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee" Psalm 9: 10

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What is His name? "I AM"

I AM is like an unfinished name of God, a blank paper given to us to be filled up with whatever we desire or need.*

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* Smith, Hannah Whitall. 1984, Living Confidently. Whitaker House, Pennsylvania. A huge centipede flew out fr this bk b4 my interview ytdy. my heart beat tripled. I was jst flipping the book to seek comfort. thx to my mdm boss! she placed her 'toy' between the pages. Laters, her p.a. called to ask whether i have seen it. told mdm boss I accidently flung it away while being shocked... tmr the centipede will crawl back by itself thgh.=p

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**thx Pat for the pics. This shot's taken in PD, tractor's restplace during my church retreat last week. My first piece with photoshop.

lessons on women

Some formulas to better understand us...

march

Happenings..

1. So i spent cny in Jakarta and came back with a blast with the toilet... been bombing the toilet every now and then. urgh.

2. march sees me starting my new job in FES. I really am clueless about what to expect. But i do hope to put my heart into it and worry less about my capabilities.

Ppl

1. Came to learn alot fr my friend E'za (my generous Indon friend) who's so simple and trusting. Here's a girl who have seen the 98' issue in Jakarta and shared about how God helped her escaped in time while the riot troops marched pass her office... married a Malaysian who shares almost everything opposite of her taste and personality... well, they love each other, but i think it helps with her easily adaptable nature and an attitude of facing differences as challenges...

2. Sel - came to grow close to her during my 'holiday' season. Apart from having to listen to G & B all over again, I just got so friend with her. Sel loves to bake and cook and invite her friends over. (She's next after Nigella). She's so handy she's got a gift for every problem you're facing- CD and card when ur down, book when you're confused, another book for...etc

3. My online friends. Fancy how some ppl get to chat that often while they're working. Really keeps my world bit brighter (& wider too) while staying at home.

Songs

1. Cinta pertama by Bunga. Top the charts in Indon. Heard it in Jakarta. She's really good.

2. Amazing Grace. Need to remind myself of this.

sorry

sorry...

for all wrongs i have done and rights undone.

somehow over these few days i felt flooded with guilt for the unkind things done and said.. flooded with questions without answers...

:((

overheard in a sermon that if your feelings contradict God's word, follow His word. I want to live each day beyond feelings and circumstances...believing and trusting... help me please?

"The lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love" Psa 145: 8

undone

My old workplace was like the hardest & yet sweetest experience in life.

4 months, yet...

am still keeping in touch with some of my colleague...
my heart breaks everytime my students email me of ' i-miss-us' or even wondering when would i be back again.

I feel like an irresponsible parent that simply abandone her kids... ouch. life subjects are the toughest to deal with hur.

Went back to school to pass chinese new year cards to friends and ex classes just now... and all my ex students ran out of their classes to greet me. Felt like a celebrity ! but I was too guilt-striken to stay long.

sighs. Why?

miss u all too... am sorry.

pockets of happy things

"expect good things fr God"

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well, just when i decided to take a lil break fr thinking (more like worrying) about my future, rays of happy things shine thru' my heart.

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firstly, my cousin dropped by my house like a gift. She made a pit-stop here fr Oz before returning up north. She brought me tim-tams, honey and sparkles of joy (i miss her simple chatty nature. Ah, she says the sweetest things ! whoever marry her will be a darn lucky chap).

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Mummy promised me a dress for CNY. Saw one brought one ! well, dresses are in this season for a good bargain. Am looking for a casual summer one (ahem. another one). Well, looking at dresses makes me happy :) JM says shopping can cure depression.

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CNY. well, the ambience and heat seems to invite cny into my heart. Perhaps i have taken cny for granted. After the first leap of joy for flying elsewhere for a holiday subsided... i regret at the thought of not being able to go back alor star. I am starting to miss seeing grandma and aunty.

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I'll miss flipping open tins of cookies, buying kuihs and noodles at the morning market, watching chinese blockbusters movies at nite, complaining about the stuffy and hot afternoons, mosquitoes (in abundance, coz of the surrounding padi fields, but they don't cause disease)...

I will miss the morning 'tai chi' that would never fail to wake me up at dawn, lil children popping fire crackers and sudden blasts of fire bombs (opposite grandma's house is a basketball court/playground), I will miss the host of stars that would blinked at me during a clear night.

And i will miss the poh-pias for our cny eve dinner. Or steamboat some times...

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sob sob sob... why did i chose to go elsewhere instd? guess i felt that cny wd be the same, since it's the same every other yr. Plus of late i was the only grandchild that returned (the host family wd be in their maternal's grandma's side), so it felt a little lonely at times. but now i am missing it.

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Ok, it's a happy title...i be going to jakarta. My trip's half sponsored. Yay? Jst a few days ago my friend told me Jakarta was in drought. I remember praying for rain. now it's flooded. sigh. Well, i can swim ;p

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I brought a first-day cover of M'sian's marine life today !!

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And today i finished up "Beauty" fr Robin Mckinley. It's a retelling of "Beauty and Beast". It gets tedious with her long descriptions on scenaries and mundane life. The exciting ventures were short. But at least, i had some sense of adventure replanted back. I dreamed of my own adventure up above a roof, that led to some secret pathway which cobsweb served as my ladder. My dreams are usually fear-filled. But this one glazed me with braveness.

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"worry is a fear that we won't get what we want. Only God has the answer, so refuse to live in worry' -JM

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Happy Chinese New Year !!

where?

" God made the universe"

L.O.S.T in the arms of lostness...
is like being held in twirls...

once a while, it ain't matter...
to be lost

coz u know He's watching
fr above

but if the stars refuse to twinkle
and the moon frowns

the poles and pillars...
they moved

then you have only its arms
to hold

twist & twirl... twist & twirl

p.s- saw a bumper sticker that says "God made everything"... well, sometimes it's hard to understand, n harder to trust...with jst His words as yr torch. But i thx God for the good life He has given me...n i thx Him ahead of things i do not know... b'coz He first chose me & He knows...

Casino Royale

--Casino Royale --

...of trust, betrayal and vulnerability...

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p.s- i was mesmerized by her beauty (or was it her airs? something unobxiously concealed in her light hearted-ness), and decided to do a sketch on her... well, after much editing, here u have her. Hope she looks like her? bit skinny though. how about her twin? ;p
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challenge your fears

fear... is like my first few companion when it comes to trying out new stuffs. I hope i ditch u in no time.

I've met ppl who would purposely try out things they are afraid of just to challenge their fears...
connecting it to famous courage quotes*, I think i should make it my 'thing' to do for 2007 - trying out things i'm afraid of... coz u'd never know what's beyond your fears unless u tried. even once. At the same time, once u've overcome one fear hurdle, your 'inner self' would learn confidence, which makes other attempts less fearful... like a spiral effect.

So what r my fears ?

1. being away fr home all alone
do i have to overcome this fear? maybe i sd go sign up for a >1 week camp somewhere

2. venturing into unfamiliar social territories
better now. funny thing is i'm not afraid to talk to new ppl... think i almost cried when mom made me joined Hen's youth group (that time cbc was his church, i was churched in a church down the road)... i was 12 then. thk God for Ben, Esther, Sharon, Ee Mei... think they were the first few angels that flew out the door to 'invite' me in...coz i ran away. but i guess God can always turn our fear experience into a blessing, b'coz i would have not been able to relate to newcomers fear if i've not felt it myself...and make em' feel welcome in return (i hope they do).

3. fighting my way in the corporate world
never dream of climbing the corporate ladder. not b'coz of my noble convictions, but think i'm more of a hobbyist...like to have my own sweet time... if i can make a career out of the things i like, wouldn't that be great? but i really do respect those who made it big out there.

4. stage fright

5. getting married
jst kidding.... :P i'm afraid of changes though. Lately, it strucked on me that i'm growing older (although i lied to myself otherwise), and i'm only given one moment in the eternal time frame to live. Ppl & circumstances will fly me by, but i have to be intentional about the purposes or dreams that God has seeded in me... else it'll jst remain as seeds. sprout !

6.7.8....etc...


*"courage is not the absence of fear but the mastery over it"
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. ~Ambrose Redmoon

p.s- meanwhile i've been really worried about my future... although it's stew-pik to think so much n have no answers. my fearful question to face wd be ' so, what r u doing now?'

there's something

there's something sweet, inviting yet faraway...

about David Benoit's dad's room (fr his Professional Dreamer's album. what a name)... wonder whether he's writing fr a nostalgic point of view... like visiting his old house which he grew up...walking to a room where dad used to be... probably a room where his dad did his hobby... which he stood at the door silently observing his dad... in child-like awe...

i wonder how's his dad like...

i ponder on how it feels like to be a kid again... to be awe-struck at the bigger ppl...

i am still amazed at how ppl made it out there...still being wrapped up in my comforts... or perhaps fear...

i pray i would not be afraid again...

b'coz i have an awesome Father

nuggets

Every decision you make is a seed you sow*


Whatever you focus on will expand*
ponder about what you can do, not what you can't,
let the good things in life be bigger than the sad ones
seek out the good in others


What are you doing with what you have?*
not much? nothing gets better


*Joyce Meyers
*Andrew Matthews - follow your heart

ebbing & emerging tides

2006 was soaked with many different tides...

high tides...

graduating (Aug)

rekindling my old hobbies: diving (rusted for 5 yrs), drawing (rusted for 8 yrs)

meeting my stars live: Joyce Meyers (Jan 06), Kristian Zimmermann (July 06), Fourplay (Aug 06)

making new friends : fr camp n work (to wic many of em' i'm grateful and indebted to)

went to : Klang Gates, HK, Perhentian, Redang, Nuang, Lepoh, S'pore. (*woa me* arranged chronologically starting fr latest. Each place slabs in a piece of memory if its kind)

Got a new job (Aug)

low tides...

getting older (argh)

quit my job...

saying goodbye to a friend... who has won my heart over...
he was so sure about me n proved himself by his sacrifice & service, finds out the things & food that i like and went e extra mile to get em' for me, accompanies me to places that i like even though he's not interested, says the sweetest things... kinda hard not to like someone who took so much effort jst to win you over hur...but i wasn't sure about my future with him... our priorities n lifestyles doesn't seems to match...
why does it feels so bad trying to make right choices in life? :((

upcoming tides...

going back to ministry again.
which i was running away from for a long time, guess there were loads of dissapointments buried in...but i'd also came to realized like what pro 20:5 says of the deep purposes of a man's heart... that hidden within me are many desires and dreams that were tie to Him as well...

be excited and passionate about life
Jer 29 : 5,7

intertidal zone
I really am not prepared to go overseas for so many yrs... there's so much bout my family, my friends and even this country itself that i've grown fond of...i don't want to be away... yet the course that i want to study is not found here...

i've come to see myself changed fr someone who's sure-footed to being fickle-minded...well, it's just that things are not as simple as they seemed and i'm taking alot of things into consideration, since i'm presented with decisions... (so u'd understand if ur living on the edge... read somewhere that ppl changed e most at 20-30)... but at the end of the day it boils down to ->what do you want in life? And once you've got that figure out, you've got to dogged twds it.

blowing bubbles

few things i jst realized about myself..

1. i dun like being home alone !!!
i kinda consider myself to be like Mole (The Wind in the Willows), prefering solitude than the crowd, some times i accidently dessert my phone too... but being at home when everyone's away's not fun... maybe i'm a family and housey person.

2. boredom's a sin to me...
ya, prank rates increase proportionately with bore levels... jst to unbore myself...otherwise i would just go sleep...

3. i am so not independent...
and i used to think i was... not till someone pointed out that i'm like a kid who needs to be taken care of (and entertained too hur)... well, i'm fine going to concerts or kl alone... ?? but i realized i depended alot on my family to help me make decisions (or make em' for me), buy me lunch or dinner...(should be the other way, but...hehe). Worst still, i call em' while they're working to ask for help... fancy why they entertain me...

4. i work by momentum
big resistence to get me started, but once i'm on the go tis hard to stop. Once i've stopped, it's hard to start too...

hmm...wonder whether some things need changing...

december

it's cold enough to snow

Where did summer go?
How'd I miss the change of seasons
All at once the wind blows rough
It's cold enough to snow

In the street below
People laugh, they got no reason
Don't they know its cold enough to snow?

Now the sun can't shine
If it wants to fine
But its cold enough to snow

~sang by Jennifer Warnes. abridge version
~Music by Alan menken & Stephen Schwartz

if

if...

if we don't ever take chances,
we won't reach the rainbows

if we don't ever search,
we'll never be able to find

If we don't attempt to get over our doubts and fears,
we'll never discover how wonderful it is to live without them

if we don't go beyond difficulty,
we won't grow any stronger.

if we don't keep our dreams alive,
we won't have our dreams any longer.

but...

if we can take a chance now and then,
seek and search, discover and dream,

grow and go through each day with the knowledge that
we can only take as much as we can give,

and we can only get as much out of life
as we allow ourselves to live...

then...

we can be truly happy.

we can realize a dream or two along the way,
and we can make a habit of reaching for rainbows

and coloring our lives with
... wonderful days

~Collin McCarty

...brought this book of poems fr pay less books warehouse sale on sat. thx to pek n cd. meanwhile, i realised someone has a fetish for forbidden fruits ;)
...been giving a bit unto books n clothes, well too bad it's winter attire in hk, else m'sia mite be bit poorer... but i came back with extra notes in my pocket. thx to my real generous aunt....maybe i sd post a chritmas wix list out, who knows santa mite read it. not been a good girl though... more like a lost girl :(
...meanwhile, really sorry to jin n sel for dropping yr comments along with my prev post. figure out i'd keep it safe in the closet instd. ;p

faltering steps?

my mind and heart are in forks...

just when i hand in my resignation letter, my heart feels like tieing itself down.

my kids and their pleading face... (din realize i've made a way into the lil kids heart (ok some), and imagine the seeds that i could have sown if i'd stay. it's like falling in love with someone you din plan to live with. workwise. *ahem*)
my assitant principal's word of affirmations...

were like a sudden effusion of "light". just discovered i had lived in a distorted version of the story...

but i've made a decision...

i can't turn back, else i be walking on faltering steps...

will find a project or further my studies locally first... that's what i've always wanted to do, just that i hanged my hope too high about going overseas to study... chances are that doorway may be closed, and i've to make some ground plans too.

the only set back is that the course of my interest is rarely offered here, so am praying for subsidairy titles of my interest or or something related...

knowing me, i get sucked into the things i like, while i almost score the lowest for the subjects i dislike... research (my line) here is mostly about cancer or disease (which is kinda depressing for me), maybe coz there's where the funding goes..

so yes, pray for a good professor, good title or that God will change my heart to see that the world's not so perfect, and that i'll have to make do with that "as good as it gets"...?

oh God, what's the real story ?

one chapter

so there, one chapter of my life closed today !

"at least u dun have to deal with the sense of gaucheness anymore !"- Rach
thanks for painting it in such a great perspective !

say hello to holidays !!!

gonna really miss the kids though :(

can't slug a girl

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"why be equal when u can be superior ?" answer to feminism ;p **
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* taken without permission fr snoops

**A. jo's adage !

pause

stop running girl, where u going ?

life sees me hastily flipping thru its' pages that i forgot to listen to my heart... drilling holes at work, or burying myself with my studies... until my heart started protesting for a halt.

So i paused, and...

i realized that my present job and i fit rather incongruently. Although in daylight i'm pretty much on the go...but as the noir creeps over, my heart feels overwhelmed : the inaptness and noise... probably my high scores for introvertness and low scores for class-control jst doesn't suit this scene...

ish... i feel like a wimp... :/

kinda take pride in finding the alternatives to solving things, and now my creative ways to control class jst don't seemed to work. maybe i'm trying too hard...

also, it din hit on me until someone pointed out that my current subject of study has been like a thin string which i hanged my hopes on... i'm clinching too tight to it...

So i'm taking a short interlude...

to listen to the voice of my heart... and ask myself "is this what i really want in life?"

i guess all the while i've been pre-occupied with studying, and more study to go... suddenly life throws itself at me and say choose where u want to go...

the azure horizon and answers to search for... at least i discover something here :)