aging

aging ( with a small 'a')

sigh*... can't escape that right ? ( i can see a few folds under my eyebrows liao... sobs...)
guess by the time we all reach a quarter of our lifespan, there would be a fair portion of sweet or bitter memories, hopes and despairs accumulated... " Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna get" ~Forrest Gump.

where i am now... i feel like i'm sitting in a nest of familarity. Sheltered. Not knowing where to spread my wings. It would be a pity that just a few ounce into life, one has already been wrapped up with life's preplexity... allowing early failures and dissapointments to form a crust around ones' hearts.

I remembered a series in The Wonder Years, where Kevin Arnold narrated about his family... Well, with everyone else seemingly moving to their own path. Big bro ( a little dump dump ) with his gf which was difficult to fit in the family ( she's portrayed as a chubby girl who enjoyed eating chips and sitting in front of the t.v. ), sister's who's about to leave home to further her studies ( she took a subject on sexual politics ) Dad - middle-age, cranky and blaming others about his unfulfilled potentials.

Well, things started to get a little messy when the Arnolds were in dad's high school summer reunion...( bro got dumped by his gf, little Arnnie exposed his father's fault right in front of his high school mates )

Towards the last night while the Arnolds sat as a family at the camp fire, Kevin concluded that" ...i guess we need to forgive ourselves for growing up"

Growing up is not easy... with so much burdens at such a young age, we need to unload them in exchange of His mercy and grace to help us start afresh.

to add fr the ending song played when sis's being sent away to college...
"may God's mercy be upon you...
may you never grow old...
may you grow up in righteousness and truth..."
( not too clear about the exact lyrics, but ya, don't grow old and cranky, like " nah,been there, done that" )

Well, remember Martin Luther's " i have a dream", Edison's light bulb, Elisabeth Elliot's Agape love for the Waodoni at Ecuador that killed her husband, Jesus on His journey to Damascus... ( ppl who believed and kept faith - the "patience" of the saints )

My prayer for the quarter lifers, ( n myself la )
" May u...Endure all things, believe all things, hope all things, bear up under all things, not losing heart nor courage, for Love never fails" ~ I Cor 13 : 7,8 ( adapted fr Kenneth S. Wuest “ the new testament, An Expanded Translation )

to the faint hearted,
" It's not when we would have all we ask for, but when all we ask for we have them not, and only then, that we can truly experience him as our Source. ( El-Shaddai ). When the sea is moonless that the Lord has become my Light." ~ adapted fr Elisabeth Elliot's "Keep a Quiet Heart-Moonless Trust".

two sides of a coin

haven't blogged for a month or so... kinda feel drained after work n all i care is to jump straight to bed.

Today, as i was strolling around my office ( happened to be running a time base experiment, and there's free slots in between towards the evening) i found an aquarium in one of the unused office. It's got couple of quiant tropical fishes which i've not seen before. One has white spots on it's pale orangy surface, the opposite pair has orange spots on it's white body...a calico sucker fish which was happily sucking the algae fr a pebble. It froze when i accidently shook the table while stealing a closer look at it. Hiding behind the air bubbles were 2 small lil black fish, with a dash of red paint at its fore fins. I can imagine if they flap their fins, it would looked as if they're clapping their "hands".

Observing them made me missed my own guppies outside the house. Haven't been cleaning their terracota 'house' or watch them swing their flambouyant tails... only have time to throw breakfast down and rush to work... really miss waking up to consult the weather forecast station ( my feelings ) whether today's a good day to go class or back to the covers....

Working life- leaves me with just the rubbles left... i wonder whether it's worth spending away my youth this way...
p.s-"but ur working 10-4.30 onlee!! " ya, but these few days i spent about 8-9 hrs in lab coz of the long experiments i'm running...so i'm allowed to complain a teeny bit.

but here's the catch ( the two sides of a coin ) : i realize life's starting to get shorter relatively, so i am seizing the moments doing the things that are important ( i finished 1 1/2 books within 2 weeks of work, ran all the errands on my lists n still made time for ppl ! "clap, clap":) )
As compared to when i have ample of time to spare ( say the entire holidays ) - i found myself gasping towards the last chapter, not knowing where the space between flew off...

i duno how to conclude fr here...*yawns* tend to get crappier as the night draws nearer...
i still need more time to sleep ( more! ), practice my piano, talk to God...

p.s- today i stole 1 hr of sleep in the conference/newspaper room @ work...felt bit drowsy... think i'm getting sick ( again )! probably not enough rest over the weekends... See, i need more sleep !

to infinity and beyond... !!

very much a post exam feeling eh ? totally unrestricted...

looking back, i felt like i'm cruising on a small little boat with no steer or oars, bumping thru' the waves, in other turns sailing, or me hiding behind a thin sheet obllivion to my surroundings...

with the past two weeks that wentby... there were waves of assignments crashing over me, splashed by flu, soaked by weariness, striked with few surprises ( good and bad ), sailing thru with friends and love ones ( cousins ) that swam by n yet slowly raising a banner thru prayers (or He has sent his Helper to raise a banner... )

the last time i wrote about my life as i felt like a boat was about two years ago in TL - when we're asked to journal shortly how have the year been... i was then anchored deep in the middle of the ocean with the winds billowing, yet not setting sail except in circles.

Now the anchor has coiled up ( so i felt the captain above has release me) into the deep blue, i see a wedge leading to the horizon... uncertain as i am as where he would lead me, but my heart is setting sail to a cause bigger than i am. If i would allow him to steer me ?

Father,

thk u for teaching me that the best place to be is at your feet.. hidden and covered with your love... as the old saints n kings ( david ) has learnt amidst victory and warcry the best place to be is " to dwell in your house foreever and to gaze at your beauty"... thk u for sowing your seed, encapsuling your plans and purposes in our lifes...may your everlasting covenant be fulfilled in our lifes.

a child.

Her Royal Blurness

i've forgotten to go for tuition, worship practice...
forgot to switched off the stove fire...
left my clothes in hotels,
left my wallet...

and crème de la crème - i forgot to collect my exam slip. ( note: collect, not bring )
Me : How did u?
HRB :uh uh.. i just forgot !

Me : When did u realized ?
HRB : Well, this morning, while packing my bags b4 leaving.. say 1 hr b4 my 1st paper.

I recalled wining the Miss Blurr no.1 title among my car pool friends. I "humbly" decline it for STing coz i felt she deserved it more than i do... but i guess we know who's the winner now.( well, she still felt i was the best then )
Anyways, i drove to uni - yeaps squeezing thru the byways into the jam... "eeek" the lady behind scatched my car bumper - gosh ! she didn't even realise it till i walk down- yeaps, still smucking my "butt", i felt the pressure inside. Nor did she left her seat ( for royalty sake' ! ), but i spared her, with so many things on my mind...
yes, heaven was nearby - with my désespéré prayer n hell speed.

Went to Sek Peperiksaan ( thx 4 yr help Chris! ), - Clerk bercuti n office only opens at 8.30am. 8.30 !!! gee, that's when my paper starts...To cut short the crap, i sat for my exam without the slip ( or any sort of white paper for the record )... Dr Teoh, my prof happened to be our examiner, and he let me pass ( with a "oh" ) no stinky face nor screeny eyes... am so thkful for Zhr too... he was with me throughout the time- esp feeling my anxiety -saw him running to sek peperiksaan. gee...thx pal !

Well, later- paid RM 15 and got my slip. ( fifteen... not fifty *ahem*)
"biscuit( my name ) keh ? sains fac ? oh, satu saja tinggal"
"bila exam?"
"eh, tinggal dekat saja..." ( he checked my matrix card )
Had to rub in some craps about me having flu and all ( still true... u never know... flu bug might get into my nervous systems )...

I still remember his last retort : ( amused... totally amused )
"Hari ini exam hari ini kutip ?" ( erm... ya )
he laughed-like how u'd goof while watching barbra streisand in Funny Girl or Charlie Chaplin - a "classic" case. It wasn't a sardonic or snorty laugh, just unbelievable...


Finally ! tot i could get back to flush it out- the birds of the skys have to 'celebrate' my malangness. Why do they have to group shit at my car ?! fr my top bonnet to front mirror down is littered with cherry blossom coloured droppings. Why, the neighbour cars have just a smack only ?! ( arrr... 2nd time in uni. how lucky can i get ? I've "x" out the kps tree. This one's at the library )

Her royal blurnee ? or just a shitty business ?
I sang Adam Sandler's ( below ) to Zhr on the way to exam hall... think i shall memorise the whole song next time.

Anger Management

"When emotions pulsates, the mind becomes deceited, conscience is denied it's normal standard of judgement" ~ Watchman Nee


I feel pretty,
Oh so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and gay,
And I pity any girl who isnt me today,

Lalalalalalalala

I feel charming,
Oh so charming,
It's alarming how charming i feel,
And so pretty that I hardly believe im real,

lalalalalalala,

See that pretty girl in that mirror there ( what mirror where )
Who can that attractive girl be ( which one where hum )
What a pretty face ( Hum )
What a pretty dress ( Hum )
What a pretty smile ( Hum )
What a pretty meeee( Hummm )

I feel stunning ( feel stunning)
And entrancing ( and entrancing )
Feel like running and dancing for joy
for im loved by a pretty wonderful boy!
~ Adam Sandler “I Feel Pretty” (Anger Managment)


Had a good grab on this book which i found lying right on top of the library table...So far the best description of anger i'd coin is "what we feel when our expectations or needs are unmet". U see, most of the time ppl do not intentionally hurt us ( unless u start singing that song above ) but it's just they don't anticipate our expectations...

The benchmark :
Ourselves :
- physical endurance
- intellectual & task pursuit ( i have to score A for this paper - even though u only studied last min )
- social behavior ( i sounded stupid jst now...must u be smart and brilliant all the time?)

others :
- manners and social etiquette ( why did he wear slippers to our date? ),
- affirmation and intimacy ( don't feel loved or attended the way u wish ),
- equity and Fairness ( i called u twice, how come u never return e favour?),
- intrusion and annoyance ( giggling and screaming while i'm doing homework is rude )

I guess the trick is to realise ppl jst don't live according to our borders and lines, and allow others the benefit of doubt? Joyce Meyer said that after many years into your marriage, when all the mushy feelings are gone, u've just got to believe that your spouse love u ( even though u may not feel like ). it all takes faith hur? haha

While we tend to associate anger with thunder and lightning, but there are many faces of anger...
Behind the Mask :
- Passive-agrression : withholds affection or intimacy. May "forgot" or fail to follow through commitments. Engages in actions known to upset the other person. chronic lateness?
- Sarcasm : Makes sarcastic or cutting remarks about others. Uses tone or manners that convey disapproval or disgust. Reveals embarassing moments of offender to stir humiliation fr others
- Cold anger : Prolong withdrawal. Avoids intimacy and refuses to reveal what is bothering. refrain emotion discussion when angry.
- Hostility : Express inner intensity. Acts time-impatient. Shows signs of frustration with others who don't aren't quick enough or fail to perform according to expectations.
- Aggression : Verbally loud or abusive. Curses and blames. Harbour thoughts of hurting others and may act on others physically.

What fuels up the spark could be due to our negative self-talks too...here are few examples :

Distorted self-talk :
- Personalizing : you feel personally attacked. you believe another person's intentions or statement are directed towards you without considering other possibilities.
- Catastrophizing : you awfulize the situation...well beyond the facts.
- Forecasting : you predict it will turn out badly... leaving other possible outcomes.
- Polarized thinking : you focus on the extreme ( evil/ good, Sucess/failure) You think in overgeneralize terms ( never, always, every )
- Mind reading : you assume you know how others think or feel... without even asking.
- Labeling : You use labels to describe a person or situation. ( eventually u think of them the way u tag them )
- Filtering : you focus on the worst thing that turn out without examinig the neutral or positive events.
- Thresholding : You set arbitrary limit to what you can stand/tolerate. You feel justified to be more intense or punitive when others 'cross' it.
- Blueprinting : you plot out revenge in your mind.


pant, pant* i better stop here... gtg study for 2 papers to come. Go check up " taking Charge of Anger" by Robert Nay if ur keen. It cost about Rm 140 though... wonder whether to photostate or...ophs

Musings

i feel so sad i forgot to bring back the calender my aunt gave to mom in Kedah. It had nice batik prints on it... and i recalled mom reminding me twice there... wasn't so much of the calender, but seeing how often i conveniently not remember my family's request... somehow...

My family went over to our previous neighbour's open house in bkt jelutong. It's such a nice cosy spacious bangalow - stone walkway lining the streets at both sides, the wooden nusantara fish pond, music room ( i dream. if only i've one, i make sure i practice everyday :) ), t.v. room, the feel of solid timber flooring, ( i fell in love with ) the study room above - which has a little balcony overseeing the garden below ( designed to unwind? ), and the ample space for the greens to roam... if onlee...
mom's gonna extend the house... and i be glad for the extra S P A C E for my room. I wonder how it be like sharing room with others...somehow i'll imagine locking myself inside the bathroom along with some books just to secure that 3 dimension with myself...
Anyways, gonna miss the two cheeky lil kids. Ed used to jump over our fence n Hzl could sweet talk anyone ( except her mummy ) in giving her what she wants... ( now it's candies since her moma forbid her... wonder what's she gonna tempt the guys into getting her next time... :) )

Been visited by my lil cousin SCyi over the weekends... somehow having visitors stay over seemed to brighten up my house. ( i can't explain my delight in space and visitors at the same time )...neighter can i describe the freshness i feel. Most of the time it's just the 4 of us we see...sigh* I love to listen to others share their life... somehow i dream that my home would be a place where ppl would feel welcome & comfortable... n missionaries or my kids friends can just bunk in anytime... but reality is such that i've been heavily tax living a urban lifestyle...deprived of soulful erm delicacies ?

Not departing from the flow of the prev line... i stole some time for myself last Saturday.
Got a license to skip my ko-k class... i figure out that the Sat b4 CNY would be jam.. and since i was still coughing that week ( residues of flu ) - be a good excuse ? well, the doc gave me MC upon request... hihihi
well, rest and serenity is good for the soul anyways...
" what good doth it profit a man to gain the whole world yet forfeit his soul ? or What can a man give in exchange for his soul?" -Mark 8 :36-37

1 February

i purposed to end my assignment on 1st. should have end it then...
i'm presenting a piece on EU-ACP tmr... didn't have good experience being upfront. I pray this will be good -that is hopefully most of my classmates have left home.

but... hehe...
holiday marh...

celebrated one of my friend's b'day... it's pretty amazing that so many others turned out ! well, almost everyone i texted !!! even the visitors...
this entire semester feels so festivy... i hardly felt like i'm in uni.

i brought a cute lil toy doggy as an ancient belated b'day gift for a friend...
but look at it - i can feel it's doopy eyes staring at me... feels so nice running my hands on it's brown patchy furr, and it smell so good too... !! awww....

should i give away or keep it ? give it? keep it?

oh bother... next time if i purchase anything cute n irresistable - ask the shop to wrap it up !
Am i like having my 2nd childhood now ? i've this urge to start collecting soft toys again...
what with sesame street, winnie the pooh n wonder boys ( i wish they sell old movies here )

each day

He whose heart is kind beyond all measure
Gives unto each day what He deems best,
Lovingly its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.
~Lina Sandell, Swedish*


this week... diarrhea, flu...assignments...
each day passed by tasteless
been flushing my days off too huh...
not as determined as i used to be...

but i will relive again!
each new day presents a new chapter, a new hope... the anticipation of what lies ahead.
Lord, help me life each moment fruitfully
knowing within that my lot and portion is secure in you ( ps 16:5 )


*http://www.backtothebible.org/lifeissues/faith/a_quiet_heart.htm

i'm scared..

remember in our gawky teeny days... where girls be whispering about the cute guy over the table... and guys be telling aloud miss who. ( somehow the same gang wd fall for one girl onlee...did they run out of choice or is she that cute? )... recall mr mond who's got girls after girls... did he not learn their lesson or? it's that worth tossling yr heart ard? or even now, singles giving jealous eye around their buddy who's preoccupied with their new toy now...maybe secretly blaming God thinking they're much better than their friends, but why not them ?


Why the hurry? my close encounters didn't prove it all that worth rejoicing over... it certainly didn't left me with a sense of fulfillment...

the last experience i had really felt my heart journeying a roller coaster ride... though the sms's, phones, free treats... really made me felt like a princess on top of a hill... really nice to be cared of so attentively... but it was excruciating arduous guessing the other party's unusual gesture...
and there i recalled digging out the clues, trying so hard to understand whether it was my fault or... in utmost humility n brokenness - if u'll jst tell me why ?
if anything worses than that is to have cold water splashed over your face... to think one has overreacted...you pick your pieces and scrambled them back again...
but over time, it seemed things has changed... some delayed replies here and there, forgotten apointments...
and then once again, the whole scenario is repeated... again ending with 2 pats on your back thinking maybe its' just me reading between the lines ?!
Suddenly- the whole thing ( which doens't seem like anything at all, duno whether anything has started nor even progressed ) just snipped off...

AJO said that men likes to bury issues down under, and seek their theraphy by caving...be worst dealing with those who has polka dot face ( tell me bt it! )... after the 2nd or 3rd chance - they jst give up without telling why...
maybe it's too difficult to express themselves ? or the moment they sense this is not gonna work out they cut themselves out ? without even trying... easier to start elsewhere?

sigh*.. and u guys think girls are so difficult to understand eh...?
Are Men fr Mars and Women fr Venus ?
What about the grand design of putting them together ? jst so they multiply and fill the earth ?


aunties :" so when u getting one yourself?"
me : " :)" ( can't u see? i'm so happy off by myself...? )

ARGggghhh...

one cup of tea for breakfast - this was to keep me awake for the morning lectures.

+

one cup of teh tarik at Raju's 4 lunch- to keep me alive for the aftern 3 hrs lectures...

=

wide awake the whole nite ( exhausted heart but hay-wired mind )

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
1.30am - fin reading mails
2.00am - drink milk ( they say it helps to cure sleepless nights )
2.15-6.30am - bed, hall, bed, tossled tossled...brains short-circuited...zap ziiitt zap zittst..
6.40am - am trying to sleep again...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

oh dear...i look like a panda bear... or garfield's master with popping eyeballs...

any ideas on how to cure overdosage of caffeine or unpredictable insomia ? or any suggestions on whurt to do when ur so tired but conscious refuse to shut up ? heh, was tempted to miss call some friends...

howeedays

" why are we always declaring our fears and doubts, why not start proclaiming faith and hope?" -joyce meyers.

This is to remind the blur me how i spent this week coz i can't recalled how i spent my lst...
Morning finds me refusing to greet the sun, but still made it around 10am to catch Sesame street. It's like my morning appetizer, and 9pm's My wife and Kids (Disney channel) -my dessert.

Been reading the book of Isaiah... it paints such pretty figuratives. Just love the way he describe stuffs " as strong as oaks of Bashan, cedars of labanon", or concerning Assyria " does the ax raise itself above him who swings it, or the saw boast against him who uses it?"
Been logging on to joyce meyer's daily broadcasting... its' like a daily dose to keep me going !
http://www.joycemeyer.org/cgi-bin/jmm_cgi/temp/index.plx

reading my EU sheets, but hardly finishing... but i will, or i have to, coz assignments due.
so, here's a lab report and some assignments to make their entrance in my holidays !

Today ( or ytdy to be exact ) i started playing the piano for at least an hour !!! gee, i'm so proud of myself ( n thkful to god too... been praying about this ) !!! after i stopped my lessons, there has been such reluctance fr my self to get started... i mean i love it, but...feel like old rustie car here.
the momentum....

caught up with an old friend, called some friends up ( sometimes i wonder y i'm always initiating the phone to some friends ( like after so many years ! sobs... maybe they mite argue how come i'm absent on hangouts. oh well...) corresponding with few oldies with email...

managed to buy some ancient belated b'day gifts and christmas pressy to friends

a new year ticket for parking at the yellow line for 5 mins. Hey, i was just peering out of the shop when he come... nopes, he din spare me. " encik, saya baru park, boleh saya park tempat lain? pegi beli brg, dah tulis". The clerk at the council halften? the fine though. :)

**sheuuw**

today i left my car window fully unwinded down !!!

was too all heads and eyes fumbling down my notes ( cyto org exams ) to notice i left it unwinded down.
found a note left by a kind passer-by to be careful next time... ( hey, thx for not entering my car and pressing the buttons or taking my shades whoever ya r )

how's a bluree like me gonna survive in a BIG, WiLd dog-eat-dog, u-better-stay-on-guard-or?!@! world ?

kinda counted few careless situations that could have left me...well, 'feel' the vulnerability of mankind.
Lost my wallet 3 times,
set the fire running unattended till it burn through my pots. Twice
set the oven without the timer. once

but somehow i've been spared mercily. Save a few uncontrollable unfavourable situations...
but i guess it's enough to thank the one up there for taking care of me. In probability classes- the incidence of one occurance could be due to chance, but 3 times ? - all savely returned and unscratched ? either i'm living in a teddy bear world ( n rest of the newspaper highlights are jst "other" ppl's nightmare ) or i owe Him ?!

Shhh... don't tell mummy

oatmeal & cookie

i'm sick... ( or getting sick )
December's always the best month to be in! lotsa sun beams...
these few years, i didn't escape the year-end flu.
my good ol' buddies are back !
the hustle and bustle of activities, traffic jam...
christmas decos and goodies
stress and tests
caroling, christmas cards...

i recalled last year being terribly sicked in youth camp.. and a Moral ( bleh ! ) assignment due after christmas day.
Ytdy, we've The Marshes with their musical fusion, Joel n team with their brick-dance...
i've 3 core papers dragging my feet b4 stepping into the new year. argh~
i feel so excited seeing ppl entering His house, presenting their talents and gifts to Him. It's like the wise mens bringing their treasures to baby Jesus.
mummy's not home and i've to manage the house ( just one week - and i've cultured fungus in my unwashed cup, apple & capsicum, made bean-curd out of my unfininished soya )
My unimates carolled around uni...church carollers were training and practicing hard 4 their performance...imagine how wd it be like if we would plant those dreams sowed into us ??
i think i better head back to my books now... but my throat hurts and i'm soo tired... knock, knock brains, ready to sponge some Hmn Chrms? sobs. nopes...
No wonder we're always reminded about faith- and the wonders it makes...Pmal -receiving by faith... without faith we can't please Him ?
uh oh... i must study, i must study... running out of excuses...


i believe our deepest fulfillment and joy is simply being able to worship ( give glory) Him with our... erm ( something-that-we're-so-passionate-or-really-good-about-that-we-identify-ourselves-with-it. )
it's as if creation are dancing b4 the creator... the crafted displaying it's beauty b4 the potter...like Mary pouring her most precious parfum at his feet...
Jesu joy of mankind ? -j.s. bach

crumples

there be a phrase " when you welcome a stranger, u welcome an angel" that casted an innocent smile to me.

sometimes, a simple handshake, a warm greet or friendly smile seemed to do the unspoken ushering langguage.
i try at least to be inviting towards the unknown, but after few incidents, it makes me ponder whether one's able to trust enough to even make a step of welcoming.

a helpful officer who demonstrate support upfront but having suspected motives behind...
a bubbly tell it all girl who turns out to enviably interested beyond her confinded " interest"
a conspiracy between friends

sigh*
no wonder chinese automatically barks at strangers...
...after all these ? being cautious is certainly not unfounded.

no wonder stories like the good Samarithan and the kind bishop in les miserable contrast our daily lifestyle like pearl in an sand-glazed oyster. To risk the vulnerability of self to welcome a stranger...in a world hidden with bandits and lurkers -who would knowingly choose that path ? amazing grace...

burnt

blogging ?

lately i've been feeling bit quizzy about blogging down my innerthoughts...
i recalled a model saying that part of her routine was to post half-naked to be evaluated by a panel of judges for audition...
eeerrr...
guess i'll pause here or just note down my daily happenings...

"Transparency with ppl – ppl distance u
No transparency – u distance yourself " Dr Huang ( a seminar at Citadel, Midvalley )
kinda like a tug of war...

I'll bake a cake and bake it well

lst night i had the priviledge of attending a piano finale and a chance to meet up with two pianist from Indon. ( i trust they must have been creme de la creme to be able to represent their country or to qualify to compete ?).

Andy didn't made it to the finals, but he said was really satisfied with this performance because he worked hard and gave his best shot. His simple explanation somewhat rang a new tone in me- i would never hear myself saying these lines. Why i'm hardly satisfied with my work.

well, my side of story ? ( one of the coffee break convy) well, the lame ol' less than 5 to D story... never performed never competed...lazy to memorise...yadayadaya...... i can never be like them !

a. Pat drew this convy aside and advised me to work on the " i can"
" if you think you can't, most likely you wouldn't give all to reach that...u end up in the so-so"
" always aim for the stars, even if you fail, who knows u might fall on the clouds"

i guess we hear these sort of gold nuggets ( S'na coined these advises as gold nuggets ) but allow it to fly pass... but somehow it seems like morning dew to me today ! ( well, i mean ytdy... but it feels so fresh )

Of course not everyone race towards the idea of achieving... but i see beyond that as giving my self a chance. I'll be cheating myself if i keep telling myself i can't or never will be coz u never know? or at least, to hear Andy's echo " i've given my best and i'm satisfied". serendipity ?

i'll bake a cake and bake it well ! [ even though it may not turn out well, but it's still well ( with my soul ) ]

Today

"I suggest that one of the things we can do on our Sabbath is to make time to revisit the week that has just passed. Recall the highlights of the week. Think of the bright points. A deal closed.
A good chat with family and friends, a nice movie, a good book, dorky or painful moments...

...I don't expect the pace of life to slow down anytime soon. But we don't have to be prisoners of chronos, victims carried helplessly along by the speed of life, our lives filled, but unfulfilled. With solitude and community, we put our roots down in Christ, seeking to understand the kairos significance of the events that make up our life." - grace@work. italics added.
http://www.graceatwork.org/

" behold ! i'm doing a new thing" ~Jesus Christ

i thought the vocal harmonisation on the chorus of "amazing love" was beautiful. Ps Mal, PLin's could make wonders with their voices. Church's in a very different ambience now. We have new carpets, new fridge, new plants outside, new sound tuning...

I really love the decorations on the huge Christmas tree. This year, they're going back to the original Christmas colour - red, green and gold. I guess i know who to call next time if i need hands to spice up my house. I helped to put up some ribbons up on the tree too.

I helped Princess Fiona and Marc to arrange the carolers into their voice groups today. This year we have 3 kiddies and 4 Aficans enriching our Christmas choir. I can't help imagining how sticky Aseans like us would learn to 'umba-rhumba' up with em'. :)
Not to mention Wahome being in the alto ( he got teased... i wonder whether has he broken his voice yet or ? ) and Kut-yeh in the tenor ( she seemed like a real loud african singer )... the presence of xiao Shrek and my really good friends there...*twinkles*

i remember too reb crying... thx for your tears.

Here's to a Merry Christmas... ( a toss for the sunshine outside )
and i pray Emmanuel. God be with us.

p.s- my new term starting tmr, bye holidays... :(

children of the abyss

to... ,



" memories of the past only remind them of what they have lost;
hope for the future only taunts them with an unknown too remote even to imagine."

" Loss takes what we might do and turns it into what we can never do.
Loss freezees life into a snapshot. We are stuck with what was instead of what could have been."




-"A grace disguised" by Jerry Sittser.

a Somebody

to Somebody,

i just came back from catching Sharks Tale with the Chews...

So what did i see ?
a cornucopia of imagination swimming in the deep sea - and that's what i call a-life !

but here's the catch...
"nobody loves a Nobody,
everybody loves a Somebody." -Oscar

that's exactly what we're doing now - dedicating our lifes to be a Somebody.
So that ( one day )we can live in the upper reefs- Bigger cars, larger lawn... early retirement ?
And perhaps that's just the way we humans work - there must be a hidden temptation ( the middle tree in Eden eh? ) that drives us.. or in the words of Hen " Eh, who wanna study if scoring a string of As' makes u a Nobody?"

After Oscar made it Big, Ang the humbleton broke it to him that she loved him back then when he was a Nobody... she thought she saw a Somebody in him then.
That changed the whole course of mr. Somebody... all because Someone, someone who has seen him in his most nakedness moment -believed in him.
And there he goes...casting all his Somebodiness away to woo her back...

aunt J says that generally guys would love a girl that worships the very ground he steps on...no wonder my churchs' guys are going for girls much younger than they! ... whoopsie :)
Or through the eyes of a child:
" On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. " -Mike, 10. :p

in short, u ain't something when u ain't Somebody...?! or we all need someone to believe in us...?

but suppose, if we have a Beholder who found a Somebody in us... would we pursue after him ? would we allow our Somebodiness to be define by him ?

" In desert land he found her, in a barren and howling waste. He shielded her and cared for her; he guarded her as the apple of his eye. "
Deut 32 : 10. Italics overwrite the original. It's... for Somebody.

re-birth of a gingerbread man

Grief melts away
Like snow in May
As if there were no such cold thing.
Who would have thought my shrivl'd heart
Could have recover'd greennesse? It was gone
Quite underground

And now in age I bud again,
After so many deaths I live and write;
I once more smell the dew and rain,
And relish versing : O my only light
It cannot be
That I am he
On whom thy tempest fell all night
" The Flower" by George Herbert

there are few things that never cease to inspire me: autumn leaves, an old couple sitting hand-in-hand on a wooden swing, the oak trunk, whisperings of nature, courting birds....
somehow this poem, together with Stravinskys' "Apollo- the coda" usher in a new season to my heart.

Look outside the window ! the grass are greening, the flowers are budding, my guppies are flapping their tails like crimson spanish skirts... if seasons could paint our souls.